Saturday night one of my girlfriends cooked and hosted a Friendsgiving dinner. I was excited about seeing my girlfriends since I haven't seen them in a while. The host just bought her first home so it was a housewarming celebration as well. There were eight ladies who attended, and we were all decked out in our beautiful dresses and done up hair (requested by the host). It was indeed a special event.
I always make fun of my friend, the host, for being such a type A woman. She's an alpha for sure but so are most of my girlfriends including me. We all have big personalities and even bigger dreams and goals which is a beautiful thing. Last nights dinner, we discussed what we were thankful for, our goals, our accomplishments, food, and sex. Great topic of discussion if you ask me. What made this dinner even more beautiful is that two different groups of my friends finally got to sit down and get to know one another. I have many groups of girlfriends but last night were the two groups I'm closest to. We had my "Fremont Girls" who are more conservative and quiet, and then we had my "Oakland Girls" who are more expressive and loud. Oh and I can't forget about my "City Girl" from San Francisco who also joined. I was a little nervous before dinner because I wasn't sure how the vibe was going to be. This was the first time, we all got to sit down in a more intimate setting. Overall, the dinner was a great success and it was fun and loving.
I haven't seen my girlfriends in quite some time. I've been taking time out to focus on my goals. But it was nice to take a break and chill with a bunch of smart beautiful women. I have to be honest though. I don't always feel this way about my friends. Sometimes they can absolutely get on my nerves. I have one gf who is obnoxious and loud with her never ending jokes, one who lacks confidence in the beauty she exhibits, and another who always has to be the center of attention. There are these little quirks in them that I find myself being annoyed by, and then that's when I need to give myself a reality check. Because there are times when I hold myself in such high regard, I can become a bit arrogant and think I know it all, as in the "right" way to live. Ha! What a bunch of BS. This is exactly when I need to humble and ground myself. And then it hits me, all those things I find annoying, I realize are the reasons why I love them in the first place. They're not negative or liars or destructive by any means. They're all just trying to find peace within themselves. Shit, we all are, including myself.
I get a huge reality check when I see them or when I notice my train of thought running and have to remind myself I'm not perfect what so ever, and quite, frankly, I don't want to be anymore. It's exhausting because I've tried. When we're together, I'm totally reminded about how judgmental I'm being. I'm reminded about how loving and beautiful our friendship is. I'm reminded about how they accept me for every single flaw I have without judgment. I'm reminded about how much they love me unconditionally. I'm reminded about how they are supportive of one another and only want the best for each other. I'm reminded about humbleness and humanity. I'm reminded about patience and acceptance. I'm reminded about love and friendship.
I don't know it all. So why do I try to force my beliefs or way of living on my friends? I do this more in my mind when they're not around verses in person. This is something I'm working on and definitely getting better at. Despite our differences in the way we choose to live our lives, our common ground is love and support without judgment What more could a girl ask for? So if I want an abundance of unconditional love, then an abundance of unconditional love I shall give.
The other night, I happened to cook dinner (something I do regularly since I have to feed my youngest) but this time it was a little different. I invited my friend over. It was an impromptu invite. In fact, I didn't think about inviting him over until I was at the grocery store. We both were headed to my house around the same time. So this gave me little time to prepare or do anything extra fancy before he got to my house. As a mom "chef", most of my recipes are about convenience and taste verses quality and art. This would be the first time I would cook for my friend, who so happens to be an Italian chef for over twenty years.
I had two choices for dinner: Vietnamese vermicelli noodles with pork and veggies (my version to save time) or korean short ribs (marinated the way I marinate everything with my key Asian ingredients) with stir fry on-choy and rice. I chose to cook the latter, since it is one of mine and my youngest favorites.
When I got home, I marinated the short ribs right away so it could sit while I prepared the other dishes. As I was marinating my short ribs, a little insecurity spilled over because I reminded myself I was cooking for a professional chef. My insecurities made me second guess my ingredients and the amount of spices I was using even though I've made this dish a hundred times. But that's what happens when we over think and allow our insecurities to get the best of us. We second guess everything and lose our confidence to produce great results. Well, I had to let that shit go. I really had to check myself and remind myself that I'm a fucking mom. My worse critics are my kids, unfortunately, and I've been chefing (I know, not a real word but bare with me) it up for over fifteen years now without even realizing it until now. Sure, my dishes haven't been presented in a five star setting with three or even a one dollar sign to follow. But my kids will tell me straight up the flavor of my food, what it's lacking or not, whether they want to continue eating it or not. As bad as they are critiquing my food, they also are the best at making me a better cook.
So once my insecurities crept in about someone else judging my food, I thought about my kids and said if it's good enough for them it's good enough for anyone else. Kids are just so honest and real. I am a better person because of my kids. My food tastes better because of my kids. Sure, I complained to my friend that I don't take the time or art to cook like "real" chefs do. But I think it is an art to cook a full course meal for four within thirty minutes that is healthy and tastes great on a budget. I didn't give myself enough credit for the creativity I display in my meals or in my life. I don't think a lot of moms do. Last night was a reminder of that. So guess what I did? I gave myself a shit load of credit for being such a great mom/chef (even before finishing dinner), and I think you should too! Because you know what? Not only was I marinating my short ribs and preparing my on-choy, I also did the dishes and put groceries away in between while answering my daughter's questions of the day. Now that is fucking art!
So yea, last night I cooked for a chef, and said to myself, "Fuck it. If it's good enough for the kids, it's good enough for him." And you know what? Everything was all good. He loved dinner and so did I and my youngest.
Right now, I just want to take this moment to give thanks for my abundance. I am just so overwhelmed with gratitude, I need to express it. It may be because of my sudden clarity from cleansing, I don't know. Not worried about where it's coming from only appreciating this moment for what it is.
Today, I had a great smooth day. So I'll give thanks for that. I got off work early, and now I'm waiting for my daughter to come home so we can go shopping. I am so thankful for that. I'm thankful for all of the abundance this universe has blessed me with and all of the beautiful people in my life. I'm thankful. I'm thankful for the strength within me. I'm thankful for the opportunity to be a mom. I'm thankful for my job that sustains my lifestyle, and I'm thankful for my cat. I'm grateful for the water I drink. I'm so forever grateful for the love that surrounds me and my life. Like I said, I am so overwhelmed with gratitude which in return also overwhelms me with so much joy.
There are a lot of things I can sit here and worry about, sure. But why would I want to do that to myself? I deserve beauty. I deserve joy. I deserve peace. Everyone does. Feeling grateful only enhances my experience and life. I give myself permission to feel all of the positivity this world has to offer and so should you. Seriously, give thanks to all that is good, great, abundant and focus on that. Your universe will shift in your favor. Just try it.
Thanks for reading my dear friends.
So I started a 30 day cleanse on 10/28/15, and today is actually the first day of a deep cleanse. There are four deep cleanses within the 30 days. The 30 day cleanse consists of two shakes and one meal. Whereas a deep cleanse consists of 4 cleanse drinks throughout the day and no meals or shakes (email me if you'd like to know more). I chose to do my deep cleanse today and tomorrow, along with three other people for support. The group I'm detoxing with meet regularly once a week, and we talk about a lot of positive things, like spirituality, nutrition, the list goes on and on. I'm really thankful to have met such a cool and loving group of people.
Anyway, my first day of deep cleansing couldn't have come at a better time. Not only am I detoxing my body, but I am in much need of detoxing my mind and soul. Remember NYC guy I just wrote about in my last blog? My weekend rendezvous? I just spoke to him this morning, and thankfully he was honest to me and shared with me that he had a week long rendezvous with a woman from Brazil. Ouch. I really liked him. But you know what? I really love myself so much more. I have now made a commitment to myself to completely let him go. Let him go in my imagination of being together "someday". Let go of my feelings I have for him. Just let go of everything, and I'm ok with that. It's not that I didn't like him because I did. I mean just read below, and you'll get the gist of how I felt about him. But at the end of the day, he's toxic. I don't want any toxins in my life. I mean fuck, I'm detoxing my body for my health. Why not detox my life for peace of mind? The old me was never like this. I would drag it on and on as far as it would go. I can't do that anymore because I know my worth.
I am also letting go of a man I'm casually dating. Every time I felt lonely or bored, I'd run to him. But you know what? Although he wasn't toxic, he was a distraction. A distraction from learning how to love my own company. A distraction from pursuing my goals. Not his fault at all. But it was easier to run to him than to focus on shit I needed to get done in order to get closer to my goals.
I'm thankful for all of my beautiful girlfriends who are always there for me. Through times when I'm not so lovable and to moments of just plain insanity, they have stuck by me. I speak of them because today when I ended my call with NYC guy, I needed support, and they were right there without any hesitation. I appreciate my life. I know how valuable it is. That's why when he told me about his week, I knew what I couldn't put up with. I'm thankful the Universe/God removed him from my life, and today of all days. A day when I decide to do a deep detox. God's timing is always perfect.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
This was written back in June. I guess at that time, I wasn't ready to share. This is in regards to my weekend with NYC guy in Denver...we still keep in touch, and we still care for each other. We haven't seen each other since except for the occasional Skype. He's in Europe now. Hopefully, he'll return to the States the end of this year. So who knows? My story isn't over yet.
June 12, 2015
This past weekend, I got to experience a brief moment of what I wanted in a relationship. I went to meet a man I’ve known for a month and spend the weekend with him. Our plan was to have dinner Thursday night when I arrived, and then sightsee all day Friday. Except our plans changed quickly because he became ill. Sinus infection to be exact.
This meant more time in the hotel room which also meant more time alone with one another. When I was flying out to see him, I didn’t have any expectations. I just figured, I’d have a good time and come back with a great story to tell...one for the books, basically. Well, I do have a great story to tell but it’s not one of action where we did fun things and explored a new city as planned. It’s a great story of intimacy and care that I didn’t realize I missed so much in my life.
Thursday night, we stayed in and played cards. I taught him how to play 3 card poker, and he, of course, had beginners luck. He kicked my ass. It was fun. It was sweet. It was two people relaxing without expectations while having a great time.
Later that night, he fell ill and both him and I woke up throughout the night. I woke to make him tea to soothe his throat, and did it again closer to dawn. I felt his forehead for a fever which was evident. He had night sweats also. The next day, Friday, our plans were “ruined” because he was just too sick to do anything. I understand. I understood. I wanted him to feel as comfortable as possible, so I tried nursing him to comfort. Running to the drug store and picking up over the counter meds to minimize his discomfort.
We laid next to one another, talked to one another, laughed with one another, laughed at one another, ate with one another, and watched tv with one another. We were on a mini holiday in a mini relationship. I was living in the moment and felt relaxed, comfortable, safe, and completely happy...I missed being close to a man. I missed being close with a man. This man made it easy for me to be close. Something I realized I had challenges with.
I wanted to touch him, wake up next to him, care for him, and dare I say it, love him. Then I woke up Saturday morning still with the intention of nursing him back to comfort but this time, I had the sharp realization that I might never see him again. We never talked about being in a relationship. In fact, we both knew it wouldn’t amount to that because of both our circumstances. But spending time in such close proximity, made me want to be in a relationship. Be in a relationship with him. Why him? Well because...Although he was sick, he was still kind. He was still considerate. He was still thoughtful. He was still a comedian. He was still sexy. He still made effort to do what he could for me.
That Saturday, he had enough strength to have breakfast. But it was that Saturday that reality hit me, and I couldn’t articulate my feelings both internally and externally. So as I do often when I’m afraid, I build an armor around myself. He noticed. I couldn’t tell him the truth because my tears and heart would’ve melted me away into a puddle of embarrassment. I already knew what his response to my wants would’ve been. He wasn’t ready for a relationship. Especially with the line of work he currently was in with being on the road and all. I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to confirm the truth. I just wanted to slip away quietly and console my own misery with my own company.
How did I allow myself to love someone so quickly? How did I let my guard down? How did I fall? Was it because of the fact that I have been single for five years and finally found a man who considers me, even if for a brief moment. Or are my feelings valid because of the connection and chemistry I have with this man?
This is what I have come up with, I fell in love because, yes, I let my guard down. I let my guard down unexpectedly because I was caring for him, nursing him, looking after him. This, this is what I do best. I’m a mom. Naturally, I take care of people and automatically my heart and soul is fueled with passion to care for this person. Hence, why my heart opened up. Plus him being who he is, a kind and funny man only propelled my feelings for him more. When he reached over to hold my hand, or kiss me mid-sentence because I talked too much about nothing, or when he caressed my hair and placed my head on his chest. All those little things, all those little moments of intimacy that were lacking in my life, gave me life again. Not only did his actions pull on my heart but my caress in his hair, hand on his forehead, kiss on his back, my actions towards him only drew me closer to him as well. His soft skin and his silky hair are now imprinted in my memory along with his actions.
Yes, I’ve been single for five years and during those five years I have dated plenty of men. Some who have caressed my skin and held my hand. But they never gave me the feeling of connection or intimacy. It was more a feeling of expectation. Like...let’s hold hands while we walk to the restaurant because that’s what is expected. But with him, nothing was expected. But everything was as it was supposed to be. I wanted it to be a part of my life and not just a moment in my life.
The last day together, he still wasn’t feeling well so I got us breakfast. He got ready for his day since he had to work and when I returned, we ate breakfast on the little dining table in our room. We didn’t really have much to talk about. It was awkward. We both just knew. I asked that he didn’t forget about me and to stay in touch. He requested the same. After breakfast, he occupied himself with doing things around the room and when it was finally 15 minutes before he had to leave, we took pictures. Our ending was quick. I had so many feelings running through me that I had to stay quiet because again I didn’t want to melt into this sad puddle of emotions. When he left the room, I quietly closed the door behind him and broke down in tears holding my face in my hands. The feeling was just too overwhelming. It just hurt so much and I couldn’t believe it. I just knew that would be the last time I would get to see him, feel him, touch him, or taste him. That was the last time I would get to experience him and it was such a wonderful experience.
Four days later and I’m still thinking about my experience with him. So much so that I’m writing about it now. Now I console myself with the idea that the universe knows what’s best for me, and I find comfort in knowing that. Whatever the universe brings into my life will always be what is perfect for me at the most perfect time. As sad as I am that my moment has passed with him, I am excited to see what else the universe has in store for me. It will take time, like all things for this hurt to fade. I get that, and I deserve that time. Just like I deserve whatever it is the universe will bless me with.
The way I see it, is that the universe let me experience him, so I can know indefinitely what it is I want in a relationship. And that is laughter, intimacy, and love of every kind. Thank you universe.
This is for all my single mommas...and just a good read for all mommys & non mommys as well lol. I wanted to talk about how we view baggages and blessings in our life, the words we use, and how we use them.
I've been a single mom for quite some time now. I remember when I first started dating right after I left my daughters' dad, I always made sure my daughters always came first. Now when I say came first, I mean as in how I value my girls. My time wasn't always for them because I too needed a break but their overall well-being is what I always kept in mind. I'd like to say that I have been successful in choosing the men I've dated seriously to be a part of our lives. Although not many, the guys who I have had a serious relationship with always respected and loved my girls. Til this day, my ex who helped me raise my girls for about seven years, still keeps in touch with them. When I met him, he was single and never dated anyone with kids (most the men I date usually don't have kids). I remember my girlfriend asking me how I do it? Like me, she also had three kids and was single. But for some reason could not attract quality men. Here is what I did differently...
I tossed out that term "baggage". I never thought of my kids as baggage. NEVER. I don't know why or how baggage was linked to children but it's negative and completely off key. I have, however, always viewed my girls as blessings. I see so many young moms view their dating life as over because of how much baggage they carry (meaning kids). Thinking that if it's hard for them to carry around so much "baggage" how could anyone else want to take on the load? How you view your life is how others will view yours as well.
Like I said, I always thought of my girls as blessings and when I started dating, I always thought about how lucky the guy I would settle down with would be (of course me and the girls would be lucky too). But my thought process is this (and I'm sure there are some who disagree but that's why they wouldn't be for me), I figured whomever I choose in our lives would have the blessings of not only my love but that of my three girls. How beautiful is that? Four blessings. Love is beautiful and pure. When you can have love in all facets of life, it can only enrich you, I'd like to think.
My ex and I lasted for about seven years before I decided to spread my wings and grow into my own. He has helped me at the most perfect timing and has created a lifetime relationship with both my girls and I. In the past, people never thought he would ever settle down with someone with "baggage". He was your typical single guy. Had multiple women he dated and was even labeled as, "Mr. International" for all the different women he dated. When he found out I had kids, he was hesitant, and I was indifferent. Whether he wanted to be with me or not, would not change me as a mother. Because to me, my kids are blessings, and I let him know this fact. But I didn't fight it or defend it. I just stated the truth. For seven years he spoiled all of us, and we spoiled him with our love. He still calls to check in on the girls. In fact, this summer, the two youngest spent time with him and his new family in So-Cal. We have been blessed with his gift of loving us and he has been blessed with ours.
Now that I'm dating again, I still hold the same thought process about my blessings and have been blessed with many great men in my life. My home is fun and loving with "lots of life" as one of my girlfriend puts it. That is a true blessing all on its own. I look forward to committing to someone in the near future and sharing my life and my blessings with that special someone. And if you're single (whether you're a mom or not), you should look forward to it too. My dear, you are such a blessing all on your own as well. Please be mindful and respectful as to how you view yourself and others in life. The more positive you are the more positive will surface around you. You deserve that and so does your family.
Just stop. Stop playing games. Stop playing mind games. Stop playing negative games with yourself. It's unhealthy and destructive. These games I'm talking about are the victim/blame game, comparison game, and would've should've could've game. Why do we do this to ourselves? It brings nothing but negative feelings, and honestly, doesn't do anything to bring up our well being.
Example, when I was younger, I would go on to social media and check out other women's pictures. I would start thinking about how fun her life looked, or how beautiful her features were. Then I would start imagining how much better her life was than mine because she got to travel around the world, or how people admired her so much because of her perfect size nose and how mine compared to hers looked like a mushroom. Whatever the fuck it was, I compared my beauty both in life and body to someone else's and always fell short. It was destructive behavior. I once read a statement that said something like just appreciate the beauty in someone without comparing your own and leave it at that. No comparisons. Nothing. It's as simple as that (we tend to do that often, make things more complicated than it needs to be). Just appreciate the beauty in which you see. Makes sense to me now but before not so much. Every time I saw something in others that was beautiful, I always seemed to automatically compare myself to that person. Maybe because I wanted it too and didn't realize I already had it. Here's something else I have to say. We are all beautiful in our own way. Yes, cliche but it's true. I've learned how to understand this. My life is perfect for me and theirs for them. We are all beautiful in such a unique and inspiring way. So take the time to realize your worth, please.
Another game I loved playing when I was younger was the blame game. Oh I was so good at it. It kind of blends in with the victim game. I used to blame others for my emotions, for my feelings. I didn't understand the power of being the owner of my feelings. Last night, I was talking to my girls about how we need to be accountable of our feelings. If we're sad or depressed instead of blaming someone for it, we need to figure out how to face this certain emotion and handle it constructively. I was trying to talk to them about accountability. It all comes down to building a strong foundation within self and being completely honest with ourselves. Some people self medicate (with drugs and alcohol) when they're upset...not taking responsibility and facing what scares them, negative emotions. They would rather suppress their feelings which has been triggered by someone or something. It's also easier to blame others for why they're not moving forward in life. But in all honesty, you're not moving forward because you don't want to face what ever fears it is you hold inside. No one wants to admit their fear because it makes them sound like a little pussy or so they think. Be brave and face your fear. Don't ever let anyone turn you into a victim and allow them to dictate your actions in life. So many times, I've heard people say something like, I'm scared of...commitment because I've been hurt too many times. Well, I'm sorry that is just not right. You are giving that other person (this could be a lover, parent, sibling, friend, etc) control, and they now have control over your life without even knowing it. This is wrong and stop blaming them. You have ALL the control over your life whether its good or bad. It has always been your choice. But I guess it's easier to shift that responsibility onto someone else rather than dealing with it. You see where I'm going with this?
And last but not least, the would've should've could've game. How many times have we sat there and contemplated on doing something verses just doing it. Again, last night my kids and I were talking about the gym. We said that once you start thinking about whether or not you should go to the gym, most likely the answer will be no. Because you spend so much time just thinking about all the things that needs to be done before you go it just discourages you. But if you were just to go, you'd be less likely not to over think and discourage yourself out of it. Well the would've should've could've game is similar. We tend to over think about the things we have to work at to achieve. For instance, if we wanted to start a business, we think about all the pitfalls and reasons it wouldn't work. We excuse this thought process with being smart, cautious, and thinking "constructively". Yes, I get it. But sometimes we think about all the negatives before we even start which makes us not want to start at all. If we actually started and received constructive failures during the process, we have learned something in exchange. So it's not like your efforts were all in vain. It's more of a destructive failure if you're sitting on your couch thinking about all the would've should've could've moments in your life. And if you're waiting on the right moment to do something constructive, there is no perfect time except for the time you take action despite all the obstacles against you. Embrace the discomfort and just do it.
The only games you should play are either card games, board games, or games which enhance your life and well-being. Not bullshit that drains your energy and depletes you of your self-worth. You are a strong person but only you can flex that and build that strength within you. Work on it and each day you will get stronger, I promise. Especially to all my women, we are such strong creatures...we were built this way naturally. And to all my fellow moms out there, like I tell all my friends with kids, we are natural born hustlers. So fuck fear and just do you. If you fall, have faith the universe will catch you. Build yourself, grow yourself, and love yourself unconditionally.
Hello. I wanted to take a moment to write about mindfulness. I have already started my health and wellness classes and can't believe I'm already three weeks in. Time flies so fast...Last week in class, we touched on how we could be more of service to our clients. A good portion of our class was in regards to mindfulness and the art and practice of being mindful. Before class, we had readings and audios assigned to us. I remember trying to listen to the audios but also multi-tasking. I knew I was supposed to solely focus on the audio assignment at hand but I figured if I were to multi-task I would get more done.
In these audio assignments, there were people who spoke about what mindfulness meant to them. Basically, mindfulness means being in the present moment, focusing on the present moment. Something I work hard at but often lack. Even when I was listening to what mindfulness meant my mind was off wandering elsewhere while my body was doing other things instead of practicing the art of stillness.
Recently, I started meditating again. I have been out of my mind with a shit load of distractions lately. I usually do really well with living and focusing on the present moment. But lately I have been over thinking. You may say something like, "it seems like you do this often Suzie. In previous blogs, you've mentioned before how you over think." Yes, this may be true but I will always be a work in progress and will always continue to evolve. But reality is, I'm fucking human and there will always be an ebb and flow to my life. I welcome it, acknowledge it, appreciate it, and learn from it. Hence, why I work hard to practice mindfulness. Sometimes it comes natural to me, and I'm ecstatic for living in the moment. Sometimes it gets a lot harder to be mindful because things suck at the present moment. I guess I'm sharing this with you to offer support if you ever find yourself over thinking or falling off track from positive thinking. It's like poison. It hurts and from my own experience, I can tell you that when I'm not mindful of the moment, my actions also showcase a destructive behavior.
Can I share something? Remember that NYC guy I wrote about in a previous blog? Well, we started talking to each other again. Actually, we started talking to each other a couple months ago. And yes, I still have strong feelings for him. I'm trying not to lose myself in it but I recently started stalking his social networking page. Yea yea...I know. I'm a little crazy. And low and behold, I found something that my mind misinterpreted. When I asked him about it, he explained and things were fine. But really, I knew there was something that needed to change within me. I'm ashamed of my actions and noticed by that negative action, it caused my mind to have a snowball effect of negative thoughts.
This lesson in class about mindfulness could've not come at a better time. I am so thankful because it reminded me to take a moment and focus on my moment now. Not someone else's which in this case, I was focusing on NYC guy's moment and thinking about what he was doing and what he was up to. Definitely natural but when it comes to a point of stalking, not natural and true to our inner self. In class, we discussed some exercises that could be done in order to bring ourselves back into the present moment. There's always deep breathing exercises involved of course. For instance, they said you should take moments out of your day to take three deep breaths. One lady said that every time her phone rings, she takes that opportunity to focus on the present moment and give thanks. I recently just bought a coloring book and will take some time out of my day just to color. Yes, to color! And only color...instead of thinking of something else, I'm going to focus on what color I want my picture to be and that's it.
It's hard. I'll admit. To focus on the present moment. My mind goes a hundred miles a minute. Always thinking about what's next. And what I think is being productive by always thinking of what to do next, can actually be destructive. Something I've noticed that works for me is whenever I'm faced with a challenge that I can't figure out, I give it to the universe. I even tell the universe I'm handing it over. I literally tell myself, "I'm no longer going to worry about this because I'm handing it to the universe to take care of." And 100% of the time it works out in my favor. Of course these are things not in my control. So if you have a bill to pay don't be irresponsible and think the universe will take care of that. Take care of the things you can and the universe will take care of the things you can't.
Just a few days ago, I wrote about how I love a man who allows me to be free. Free as in single (you guys are going to go through my mommy journey as well as my dating journey with me). So yea, as I was saying, in one of my blogs I write about a "relationship" I had with such a wonderful sweet man. Just recently, I made the decision to let him go.
We had an open relationship where we dated other people. I couldn't commit to him, and he wasn't sure what he wanted. Our terms were to be open and honest with each other which was pretty successful. However, this past month, I couldn't help but have this guilty feeling overwhelm me. We both understood our "relationship". I thought if I was completely honest with him, I wouldn't have a guilty conscience or feel selfish. I reminded him often, I couldn't commit to him. I even told him I had feelings for another man. He said he was fine with it and just wanted me in his life. I thought that would be enough, telling him the truth. But my guilty conscience continued to guide me into shitty days.
It was until recently, I made the decision that in order for me to remove this negative energy, I needed to let him go. It wasn't that he was negative energy. In fact, he was such a positive impact and soul. But being completely honest to someone isn't the only way to live an honest life. I could tell he had more feelings for me than I for him. I could tell with each moment we spent together, his feelings would continue to grow. I tried my best to enjoy my moment with him but dreaded the day when it would have to end. So I did what I needed to do and that was to let him go. You may be wondering why I can't make a commitment to him if he's such a wonderful man. Here's why...there's no chemistry on my part. I thought the more time I spent with him the more my feelings would grow, the more chemistry I would gain. Instead, my respect and love for him grew but chemistry was none.
He said he was fine with our situation and that he was a healthy mature man (which I completely agree). But my feelings told me it wasn't right. I had to take heed from my intuition. Yes, he may be fine with it now but I'm afraid that later on with more time spent together, it will tell a different story. I didn't want to feel selfish anymore. And because I love and respect him, I did what I felt was best for the both of us.
I told him that eventually, I hope to reunite and maintain a friendship. He said of course and it ended well. For that past week, I was feeling such a negative vibration and it really affected my days. My friends said they knew all along the best thing for me to do was to remove myself from the situation. Although it was a healthy "relationship," me feeling guilty and selfish was not what I wanted out of it and that's exactly what I was getting.
We may be completely 100% honest in what we speak and think that's enough. But it's not. We also have to take into consideration our actions and learn how to trust our instincts. To empathize with the person we care about and make decisions that benefit everyone around us. Our words and action both need to be in alignment, I have realized. I had to make this decision and although it was a difficult choice, I'm glad I let go. I wanted to keep him by my side for all the wrong reasons. I wanted to keep him by my side for when I was bored (so awful to say but it's the truth and the truth isn't always pretty ~ cliche, I know). Because with him, I had someone to take me out, to explore the city with, to eat at delicious restaurants with, to watch plays with, and to play with. But at the end of the day, I want to live a life of integrity. I have to learn how to deal with my boredom on my own. So because I love and respect this man, I had to let him go.
Sometimes, I don't think my friends get it. Especially the ones without kids. I mean I make being a mom look effortless, I suppose. I barely bitch or complain. I just do what needs to be done, and I do it in silence, I suppose. My friends ask me out here and there, and don't get me wrong, I'm very thankful for their invites. But sometimes, I am so completely tired, I just need to isolate myself from anything that will exert more of my energy.
There is always something on my mind, whether it's what to cook or when I can fit my daughter's eye appointment in. Is my eldest getting enough to eat or my middle adjusting to her new college life? Not only is my body multitasking (while I vacuum and grill chicken breast for dinner simultaneously. It can be done. Trust me) but my mind is following suit. When I have time to sit, I feel guilty as if I should be doing something. And if I'm not in the act of doing something, I feel like I should be in the act of thinking about what to do next. I'm always on the go even when I have no where to go.
But do people really understand how busy us moms are? I'm not exactly sure. I had a girlfriend ask me one time, "So what have you been up to?" My response, "Busy with my girls." My eldest was moving into her first apartment (she needed help on her deposit), while my middle was applying for colleges (one of the most stressful times for all of us), and my youngest was going through the motions (poor baby). Before I could elaborate to her, here is what she said to me, "You're always busy with your girls. I always hear you say that. Isn't there anything else you do?" Umm, yes bitch. Aren't I in front of you having dinner? I didn't say that but I wanted to with a slap as well. Tsk tsk for my impatience. Oh well. Sometimes I lack it and it shows. Other times, I lack it and it grows. What are you gonna do?
But honestly, do you really understand how busy I get? Let me break today down for you so you'll have a reference in case you forget (you = to my friends who don't get it).
6:30am I get up trying to give thanks but feeling tired as fuck
7:30am I'm out the door with my roller bag of files, lunch under my arm, two cell phones in my purse, keys and green shake in hand, and my kid by my side.
7:45am I drop my kid off and say I love you. Have a great day etc. Then I'm off to battle traffic (I use to have to commute two hrs one way. Then I did this really beautiful thing and prayed my ass off for a shorter commute and it was answered in a month. Still praying for that raise though. UPDATE 10/1/15: I got a raise and didn't even know it. It's for cost of living increase! Ah the power of law of attraction)
8:30am Get to work and my day is not my own for about 8 hours give or take. However, this is where I fit in scheduling doctor appointments, searching online for a special bike lock my middle needs, repurchasing prescription acne medication, etc all while being productive at work. Not to mention answering questions my kids have throughout the day...can I go to homecoming? Is it okay if I go camping over the weekend sans adult? Yes, to homecoming. No, to camping.
6pm I'm thinking about what to cook, do I have all the ingredients. If not, which is the most convenient market that will have everything I need. Do I need gas? How many days can I go before pumping again? When was the last time I filled up? If I stop to buy groceries, how much time will it take from getting home and starting dinner? I have to call my friend and tell her I can't make it to her daughter's b-day dinner because I got out of work too late. I still need to feed my own kid.
7pm Home and I need to sit. Yea yea, I know I just sat in traffic for about an hour but I'm mentally fried. Fuck, I gotta start dinner because my daughter has a school program to go to in an hour.
7:30pm She's eating while I'm cleaning the fridge out. I'm so tired, I lost my appetite.
8pm I drive her to her program, and I'm kind of relieved because I tell myself I can actually sleep as soon as I get home. Dammit, I forgot I have to pick her up in an hour. So what do I do? I come home contemplating on taking a nap but realizing it'll be too hard for me to get up to pick her up. So instead, I pack my lunch for tomorrow and do the dishes.
9:30pm I pick her up and decide to finally get gas. We get home, I ask her if she's still hungry because I start feeling hungry. I pack my work bag for tomorrow and look for my fucking ticket I got for being in the HOV lane without my fastrak device. I have to go to court tomorrow. As if I didn't have enough to do.
10pm I eat two dark chocolate pieces and drop myself on the couch. My mind is foggy and my body is tense. But I still feel like I need to do something. So I log onto my email and think about all the pending things I need to complete online.
11pm Still feeling restless, I decide to write and here I am. I'm afraid if I don't write right now, I won't get inspired to later. Because who knows, I might be too burnt out or too busy doing other shit that I will never get a chance to write. So here is my opportunity and here I am. Tired as fuck but ready for tomorrow. I don't complain because I really can't afford to. My energy is always used for something. So, I'd rather save it for better use than complaining. Am I right? However, it may sound like the above are complaints but really it's not. It's just my day.
And now it's 12am and I'm beating myself up for not going to bed (ok, ok, that was complaining) when I had that window of opportunity between 10 and 11pm. Even if I did, I bet I'd stay up for about 3 to 4 hours anyway.
Somedays, I think about the day when I'll finally grow up and learn how to manage my time wisely. Then other days, I realize I am grown up and doing the best I can and give myself a pat on the back.
My weekends are special to me because I can do whatever the hell I want and that is completely nothing!! Well, sometimes that is...
A little about me...
I'm learning how to look at everything with love, even if it seems impossible, like rush hour traffic. I want to share my journey of self-love so that others may want to emulate and pass it on into the universe. Ohh...and sometimes people call me Suzie.