This was written back in June. I guess at that time, I wasn't ready to share. This is in regards to my weekend with NYC guy in Denver...we still keep in touch, and we still care for each other. We haven't seen each other since except for the occasional Skype. He's in Europe now. Hopefully, he'll return to the States the end of this year. So who knows? My story isn't over yet.
June 12, 2015
This past weekend, I got to experience a brief moment of what I wanted in a relationship. I went to meet a man I’ve known for a month and spend the weekend with him. Our plan was to have dinner Thursday night when I arrived, and then sightsee all day Friday. Except our plans changed quickly because he became ill. Sinus infection to be exact.
This meant more time in the hotel room which also meant more time alone with one another. When I was flying out to see him, I didn’t have any expectations. I just figured, I’d have a good time and come back with a great story to tell...one for the books, basically. Well, I do have a great story to tell but it’s not one of action where we did fun things and explored a new city as planned. It’s a great story of intimacy and care that I didn’t realize I missed so much in my life.
Thursday night, we stayed in and played cards. I taught him how to play 3 card poker, and he, of course, had beginners luck. He kicked my ass. It was fun. It was sweet. It was two people relaxing without expectations while having a great time.
Later that night, he fell ill and both him and I woke up throughout the night. I woke to make him tea to soothe his throat, and did it again closer to dawn. I felt his forehead for a fever which was evident. He had night sweats also. The next day, Friday, our plans were “ruined” because he was just too sick to do anything. I understand. I understood. I wanted him to feel as comfortable as possible, so I tried nursing him to comfort. Running to the drug store and picking up over the counter meds to minimize his discomfort.
We laid next to one another, talked to one another, laughed with one another, laughed at one another, ate with one another, and watched tv with one another. We were on a mini holiday in a mini relationship. I was living in the moment and felt relaxed, comfortable, safe, and completely happy...I missed being close to a man. I missed being close with a man. This man made it easy for me to be close. Something I realized I had challenges with.
I wanted to touch him, wake up next to him, care for him, and dare I say it, love him. Then I woke up Saturday morning still with the intention of nursing him back to comfort but this time, I had the sharp realization that I might never see him again. We never talked about being in a relationship. In fact, we both knew it wouldn’t amount to that because of both our circumstances. But spending time in such close proximity, made me want to be in a relationship. Be in a relationship with him. Why him? Well because...Although he was sick, he was still kind. He was still considerate. He was still thoughtful. He was still a comedian. He was still sexy. He still made effort to do what he could for me.
That Saturday, he had enough strength to have breakfast. But it was that Saturday that reality hit me, and I couldn’t articulate my feelings both internally and externally. So as I do often when I’m afraid, I build an armor around myself. He noticed. I couldn’t tell him the truth because my tears and heart would’ve melted me away into a puddle of embarrassment. I already knew what his response to my wants would’ve been. He wasn’t ready for a relationship. Especially with the line of work he currently was in with being on the road and all. I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to confirm the truth. I just wanted to slip away quietly and console my own misery with my own company.
How did I allow myself to love someone so quickly? How did I let my guard down? How did I fall? Was it because of the fact that I have been single for five years and finally found a man who considers me, even if for a brief moment. Or are my feelings valid because of the connection and chemistry I have with this man?
This is what I have come up with, I fell in love because, yes, I let my guard down. I let my guard down unexpectedly because I was caring for him, nursing him, looking after him. This, this is what I do best. I’m a mom. Naturally, I take care of people and automatically my heart and soul is fueled with passion to care for this person. Hence, why my heart opened up. Plus him being who he is, a kind and funny man only propelled my feelings for him more. When he reached over to hold my hand, or kiss me mid-sentence because I talked too much about nothing, or when he caressed my hair and placed my head on his chest. All those little things, all those little moments of intimacy that were lacking in my life, gave me life again. Not only did his actions pull on my heart but my caress in his hair, hand on his forehead, kiss on his back, my actions towards him only drew me closer to him as well. His soft skin and his silky hair are now imprinted in my memory along with his actions.
Yes, I’ve been single for five years and during those five years I have dated plenty of men. Some who have caressed my skin and held my hand. But they never gave me the feeling of connection or intimacy. It was more a feeling of expectation. Like...let’s hold hands while we walk to the restaurant because that’s what is expected. But with him, nothing was expected. But everything was as it was supposed to be. I wanted it to be a part of my life and not just a moment in my life.
The last day together, he still wasn’t feeling well so I got us breakfast. He got ready for his day since he had to work and when I returned, we ate breakfast on the little dining table in our room. We didn’t really have much to talk about. It was awkward. We both just knew. I asked that he didn’t forget about me and to stay in touch. He requested the same. After breakfast, he occupied himself with doing things around the room and when it was finally 15 minutes before he had to leave, we took pictures. Our ending was quick. I had so many feelings running through me that I had to stay quiet because again I didn’t want to melt into this sad puddle of emotions. When he left the room, I quietly closed the door behind him and broke down in tears holding my face in my hands. The feeling was just too overwhelming. It just hurt so much and I couldn’t believe it. I just knew that would be the last time I would get to see him, feel him, touch him, or taste him. That was the last time I would get to experience him and it was such a wonderful experience.
Four days later and I’m still thinking about my experience with him. So much so that I’m writing about it now. Now I console myself with the idea that the universe knows what’s best for me, and I find comfort in knowing that. Whatever the universe brings into my life will always be what is perfect for me at the most perfect time. As sad as I am that my moment has passed with him, I am excited to see what else the universe has in store for me. It will take time, like all things for this hurt to fade. I get that, and I deserve that time. Just like I deserve whatever it is the universe will bless me with.
The way I see it, is that the universe let me experience him, so I can know indefinitely what it is I want in a relationship. And that is laughter, intimacy, and love of every kind. Thank you universe.
A little about me...
I'm learning how to look at everything with love, even if it seems impossible, like rush hour traffic. I want to share my journey of self-love so that others may want to emulate and pass it on into the universe. Ohh...and sometimes people call me Suzie.