I told him I love him

I did. I said, "I love you" to him. He's a special man to me you see. We met 4 months ago and ever since, we've stayed connected. We text practically everyday, speak on the phone regularly, and have such a wonderful time when we're together. He's a beautiful man to me. He spoils me endlessly with his love and attention. I'm a lucky girl for sure. 

I respect this man so much that I asked him to call me last night when he was available. I had to tell him how I felt again. Last week, at the dinner party was actually the first time I told him I love him. Last night, I wanted to talk about "us". The reason why we work is because we have such an open and honest line of communication. We had this conversation several times but I started getting scared again and had to make sure we were both on the same page. We started off the conversation sharing our day, and when he finished, I took a deep breath and asked him to be truly honest with me. I asked him if somewhere in the back of his mind or in the depths of his heart he was hoping for us to be committed to one another. I had to ask him. It was only last week where he sent me a text that read, "The more I see you the more I want you." 

Let me clarify our "relationship". We have something special for sure. But it's not exactly what you're thinking. Yes, I do love him, and he's expressed his love for me as well. It's beautiful what we have. It's refreshing. So refreshing what we have. And it's also mature and clear and loving what we have. But it wasn't so clear just a few days ago. On our call, he told me he wants what I want. He wants me to be happy. Everything about him is always about me. So I asked him what he really wants...and he said he was on the fence. That although when we're not together, he wonders what I'm doing or who I'm with. He doesn't want to know. And the more he spends time with me, the more his feelings grow. He had to check himself. 

You're probably confused right about now so let me further clarify. I love spending time with him. I do. I love his company. I love his energy. Shit, I love him. BUT I don't want a relationship. I don't want to commit. I want to have my cake and eat it too. He knew this. He knows this. We had a talk. We had several talks about this. And we were both on the same page about things. But a couple weeks ago, we had an amazing time together. So much so, we texted things to each other like couples do. I miss you. Can't wait to see you again. The more I see you, the more I want you...This scared me. Not because I'm afraid of commitment. Like I told him, this time in my life, is the most healthiest I have ever been: mind, body, and soul. I want to explore. I want to explore the world. Yes, I've been single for five years, and yes, I've been told I'm not getting any younger. But I know what I want.  And it isn't a commitment from him. My friend said I was being selfish. This is why I needed to talk to him. She told me I shouldn't use people because karma will not be in my favor. This is why I asked him to call me. I felt like a user. Selfish for having him fulfill my temporary needs. I needed to make clear to him what I was doing. This is why I dreaded having this conversation.  

He's a sensitive man. A beautiful loving man. I'm glad I attracted such a wonderful soul into my life. Like he said, "what we have is refreshing" and I completely agree. I was afraid he was growing feelings for me in which I couldn't return the expectations he had from me. He confirmed yes, his feelings do grow for me. But he had no expectations. And I realized, I didn't give him enough credit. He's a smart and mature man. He just wants me to be happy. I was fast forwarding our lives to the day it would end. I don't want to hurt him. I love and respect him. I just didn't want to continue seeing him if he held on to some false hope of "us". He told me though...that although he thinks of me, he's not trying to manipulate the situation, and when he starts to over think about "us" he has to let go. He reminded me to just enjoy our moment now. He's a smart man indeed. Like I said, I didn't give him enough credit. So I had to take heed. 

Our conversation ended well, and yes, he said he was on the fence because his feelings for me increase. But like me, he also wants to explore because this too is the healthiest he's ever been. I told him like attracts like. It's the law of attraction. We're both blessed, and for the first time in both our lives, our friendship/relationship is the healthiest, most honest, and open relationship we've both experienced. This "thing" we have is also a first. Where there's no pressure, no expectations. It's just day by day, moment by moment (with the minor reminders of course). He told me, he just wants me in his life, even if that means letting me be free. And this is why I told him I love him, you see.