Just a few days ago, I wrote about how I love a man who allows me to be free. Free as in single (you guys are going to go through my mommy journey as well as my dating journey with me). So yea, as I was saying, in one of my blogs I write about a "relationship" I had with such a wonderful sweet man. Just recently, I made the decision to let him go.
We had an open relationship where we dated other people. I couldn't commit to him, and he wasn't sure what he wanted. Our terms were to be open and honest with each other which was pretty successful. However, this past month, I couldn't help but have this guilty feeling overwhelm me. We both understood our "relationship". I thought if I was completely honest with him, I wouldn't have a guilty conscience or feel selfish. I reminded him often, I couldn't commit to him. I even told him I had feelings for another man. He said he was fine with it and just wanted me in his life. I thought that would be enough, telling him the truth. But my guilty conscience continued to guide me into shitty days.
It was until recently, I made the decision that in order for me to remove this negative energy, I needed to let him go. It wasn't that he was negative energy. In fact, he was such a positive impact and soul. But being completely honest to someone isn't the only way to live an honest life. I could tell he had more feelings for me than I for him. I could tell with each moment we spent together, his feelings would continue to grow. I tried my best to enjoy my moment with him but dreaded the day when it would have to end. So I did what I needed to do and that was to let him go. You may be wondering why I can't make a commitment to him if he's such a wonderful man. Here's why...there's no chemistry on my part. I thought the more time I spent with him the more my feelings would grow, the more chemistry I would gain. Instead, my respect and love for him grew but chemistry was none.
He said he was fine with our situation and that he was a healthy mature man (which I completely agree). But my feelings told me it wasn't right. I had to take heed from my intuition. Yes, he may be fine with it now but I'm afraid that later on with more time spent together, it will tell a different story. I didn't want to feel selfish anymore. And because I love and respect him, I did what I felt was best for the both of us.
I told him that eventually, I hope to reunite and maintain a friendship. He said of course and it ended well. For that past week, I was feeling such a negative vibration and it really affected my days. My friends said they knew all along the best thing for me to do was to remove myself from the situation. Although it was a healthy "relationship," me feeling guilty and selfish was not what I wanted out of it and that's exactly what I was getting.
We may be completely 100% honest in what we speak and think that's enough. But it's not. We also have to take into consideration our actions and learn how to trust our instincts. To empathize with the person we care about and make decisions that benefit everyone around us. Our words and action both need to be in alignment, I have realized. I had to make this decision and although it was a difficult choice, I'm glad I let go. I wanted to keep him by my side for all the wrong reasons. I wanted to keep him by my side for when I was bored (so awful to say but it's the truth and the truth isn't always pretty ~ cliche, I know). Because with him, I had someone to take me out, to explore the city with, to eat at delicious restaurants with, to watch plays with, and to play with. But at the end of the day, I want to live a life of integrity. I have to learn how to deal with my boredom on my own. So because I love and respect this man, I had to let him go.
A little about me...
I'm learning how to look at everything with love, even if it seems impossible, like rush hour traffic. I want to share my journey of self-love so that others may want to emulate and pass it on into the universe. Ohh...and sometimes people call me Suzie.