I'm laying in bed with the covers off reading a new book I just purchased (Gilead by Marilynn Robinson). My daughter's in the next room listening to her favorite band, It's Time by Imagine Dragons. It's a warm spring night with the smell of freshly bloomed lilies I spoiled myself with. I am in love with the moment, and my heart flutters with so much peace and joy. It's a brief moment of nirvana which soon dissipates. I want to hold on to this moment forever but my mind doesn't allow this. Instead, I catch myself thinking about the moment when this will all end. My moment has now been replaced with fear.
In a couple of Springs, my daughter will (if everything works out as she plans) be off to college. Discovering more about herself and identity. Leaving me to also discover more about myself and my identity. My mind is now filled with the thought of "next time". The next time I'm laying in bed reading, I'll probably be alone spending it in silence and it worries me.
A lot of things scare me. I try not to let it overwhelm me though. And I think I do a pretty good job at it. Last summer, I said to my family I don't like horror movies or bugs because they scare me. My aunt responded with "I thought nothing scares you." My friends have also said the same. Their comments made me question how I present myself. For the most part, I am strong. I've been through enough to develop this strength but being strong doesn't mean not having fears. And yes, although I am scared of the tangible things I mentioned above, I do most certainly have fears in abstract areas too. Like all of my daughters leaving me behind to begin their journey of independence. That scares the shit out of me, not being needed or wanted anymore. I have brief thoughts of the loneliness I will experience once my youngest is gone and my heart gasps.
My girlfriend (who never had kids) once told me when she gets off of work, she goes home to nothing. That's why she's never home. I never got to experience that (well, the only time is when the girls go to Hawaii for vacation). My life since the age of 16 has always been filled with my daughters. I have never been alone and if I dwell too much on that thought, it will overwhelm and frighten the shit out of me. For my girlfriend, it's emptiness. For me, it's empty nest. Everyone has their own version of difficult.
However, I must choose to look at the bright side to keep my sanity. I choose to look at the fact that I no longer will have to worry about dinner every. single. night. If I'm not hungry, guess what? I don't have to worry about dinner. If I want to take a bath instead, I will. I'm also looking forward to going to Bikram again. My daughter doesn't like staying home alone at night. Before when her sisters were home, she didn't mind if I was gone for 2 hrs. Plus, my commute now only offers me 3 hrs of quality time with her before I have to go to bed. I also look forward to TRAVELING! Currently, if I wanted to travel, it would take a lot of coordination and planning filled with guilt for leaving her behind.
Every time I think about that day of sending my last kid off, I get scared and sad. But in order for me to appreciate my moment and enjoy it for what it is (and the little time I have left with her), I really have to let go of my fear-based thoughts of the unknown. I have to...need to place my trust in the Universe and know that my new journey in life will be, once again, fulfilling and perfect for me in every way at that very moment. Namaste.
A little about me...
I'm learning how to look at everything with love, even if it seems impossible, like rush hour traffic. I want to share my journey of self-love so that others may want to emulate and pass it on into the universe. Ohh...and sometimes people call me Suzie.