In my blog Enough is enough, I briefly write about throwing my aunt and mom a surprise birthday party. What I didn't mention is how my aunt treated me during the party. Like I said in that blog, as we got older, we became more distant. I had to separate myself from her because she was draining me of my energy. Her toxic attitude towards me doesn't take away the love I have for her, just my energy.
We were super close. We lived together when I was younger and acted more like sisters rather than aunt and niece. We always hung out together. I looked up to her. She protected me from the beat down I received that one day my grandma swatted me off the toilet. Well, more like she intervened and yelled at my grandma to stop hitting me with the broomstick. I love my aunt very much, and she was the sister I never had.
Once she started going to high school and becoming a young adult, that's when our relationship changed. She went boy crazy and was barely home. I always tried maintaining my relationship with my aunt. Inviting her to the girls' birthday parties and school events. She only attended two birthday parties since the life of all three of my girls. At one point, I got so upset at her for never showing up, I told her I would never invite her to anything anymore because she never made effort to come. The only time I got to see my aunt was in passing. When I hit my late twenties, my aunt started to come around my kids and I more often. It was a treat to see her once every two to three months if that. I didn't care, I just wanted to enjoy the times I did have with her. She even came on a family vacation with us three years ago and has been joining ever since.
Okay, so at the party the first thing she did when she was surprised was complain about the the lack of her friends that were in attendance. She only has 3 and when she mentioned their names, I told her I did invite them but they didn't come (only one of her friends showed up). My aunt got a little tipsy and started talking shit about me. Not to me but about me. She started telling people in the kitchen how fake of a person I am. That I'm just so phony, blah blah blah. Her best friend who she hasn't seen in 8 years (I requested the universe to find a way to locate and invite her. In which the universe obliged and as fate would have it, I happened to bump into her the week of the party) tried to disagree with my aunt but was overshadowed by my aunt's continuous berating of my character. I was walking into the kitchen when this happened. My first thought was to defend my name, and my second thought was that these bitches were a little faded (my cousin was in the kitchen also encouraging my aunt's dumbass behavior). There's no use in speaking because they wouldn't be able to comprehend a damn thing. So all I said was, "I may be fake but at least I get shit done" and walked out.
The next couple of days, I kept thinking about what my aunt said. It kind of bothered me and it kind of didn't. I was leaning more on the not bothered verses bothered. Here's why...what my aunt said is not a reflection of who I am. It's a reflection of who she is. All I see from her is hurt and a need for attention or validation of some sort. I've been where's she's been. Trying to hurt others (not even consciously realizing it) because of the pain I held inside.
All I can do is offer her my compassion, understanding, and kindness. How she treats me doesn't change who I am. It doesn't change the love I have for her or the understanding and empathy I feel towards her. I can be a bitch towards her also but what will that really solve? That is not my true self, and I don't give a shit if my ego thinks I'm allowing her to step all over me because I'm being kind. No, by me being patient and understanding is a reflection of my unconditional love I have for her. However, I do limit my time with her because I am careful about my energy. But even when I'm not around her I still wish her well and have pleasant thoughts with faith that she will evolve into a more positive person when the timing is right for her. I am more at peace with myself when I'm this way verses the old me when I'd fuck a bitch up for staring at me the wrong way. Lol oh the old me...how draining.
People get so fixated on karma taking its course on others who "deserve it" or the need to teach people a lesson because of how they've been treated. But why? So they won't do it again and be rude or awful to others? Okay, I get that but why don't we focus on ourselves first. This way when hurt happens again whether by them or someone new, we'll have enough love and patience within us to strengthen and heal ourselves. I'm not saying to ignore the hurt someone is causing. Yes, stand up for yourself and tell them to stop. What I'm talking about is cleaning up the residue they left behind.
Example, if you were cheated on, try your best to move on. Who cares if he'll get what he "deserves". Don't even think about that. Focus on creating a beautiful life inside and out for yourself, that you have no energy left to think about his story. Start creating a new chapter of your own. Richard hurt me, like I mentioned in a previous blog. His mixed signals and lack of commitment really hurt. But instead of blaming him for the hurt I feel, I'd rather focus my energy on healing myself. Because of his actions, he lost my trust but he hasn't lost my compassion or kindness. I still respect him as a human being and will continue to be his friend. But my trust in him romantically is gone and that's okay. People hurt us and guess what?! It's not the end of the world. And you're not being a pussy by not reacting or demanding retribution. You are conserving your energy for more important matters, more beautiful matters. At the same time, you're learning how to live with more compassion and kindness both for yourself and towards others. This world needs more of that. Love is how we all started. So lead with that, with love, not with fear and ego. Fear and ego are false. It does not need to be satiated. It needs to be recognized, acknowledged, and let go.
A little about me...
I'm learning how to look at everything with love, even if it seems impossible, like rush hour traffic. I want to share my journey of self-love so that others may want to emulate and pass it on into the universe. Ohh...and sometimes people call me Suzie.