No Words to Describe...

Hi guys.  I know it's  been a very long while since I've written. I made an obligation to myself to write at least one blog a week to stay consistent and connected. I did not honor that obligation. This blog will most likely be a very long one since a lot has happened since the last time I wrote, both good and very tragic. I want to put more thought into this post and really share with you all what has been happening.

I wanted to write in chronological order. So I left off with Thanksgiving, and if you read before, I introduced the guy I was dating to my family. Well, long story short, we both agreed we were not compatible and went our separate ways. I haven't talked to him since, and I'm fine with it. We really weren't compatible but I think I may have tried to force the situation out of fear of losing out on a good guy despite my true feelings of having no chemistry for him. I wish him a lot of peace, love, and success. 

Now on to other areas of my life. Before Thanksgiving holiday, I didn't tell you guys (out of fear of jinxing my chances--stupid, I know). But I was interviewing for a nurse case manager position for a bigger and much better company. My first interview was over the phone and my second interview was in front of a panel of four. I was a nervous wreck but felt like I answered all the questions successfully. As confident as I felt about my second interview, there was still uncertainty if I got the job or not. So I took a deeeeeep breath and let go. I said, "What is meant to be will be." I did my part in taking initiative by researching the company etc. so I could be more prepared for the interview. Guess what guys?! I got the job...not only did I get the job but I also had the confidence to negotiate for a $20,000 increase in salary on top of free benefits! I am so so grateful! Now that I'm making more, I really want to continue being mindful in how I spend money. I really want to achieve my goal of financial freedom. Right before Thanksgiving, I submitted my three week notice (requested by my supervisor), gave thanks to my old company for giving me such a great opportunity in gaining my experience, and said "Sayonara!" I was so ecstatic about my new journey, and having the confidence in negotiating my worth. I couldn't wait to start!

Fast forward to Sunday, December 13, 2015. I woke up around 9am to the sounds of heavy rain and strong winds. If I was driving, everything happening outside would have freaked the fuck out of me. But thankfully, I was snug in my bed surrounded by the warmth of my blanket. Instead of feeling frightful as my initial reaction waking up to the sounds, I knew I was ok. However, I had this low dreadful feeling in the pit of my stomach that I just couldn't figure out why it was there. So I tried shaking it off associating the feeling with NYC guy since I haven't heard from him in weeks. Yes, I still have feelings for him but I can thankfully say, I'm not attached to him (meaning I'm fine not having him in my life. My show must go on and a happy show it will be).  

That day started off as an easy Sunday morning. I rose slowly and got ready without urgency. The girls and I ate breakfast and talked about errands we'd run. As I was getting ready, I get a call. Usually, I don't pick up numbers that are not familiar to me. But in this one instance, something prompted me to pick up. The lady on the other end introduced herself as a social worker for the county hospital. I was a bit annoyed because my first thought was that it was work related. At my previous job as a nurse case manager, I had a work cell that I needed to pick up even when I was technically off. I was considered on-call at all times. As a case manager, sometimes I work hand in hand with social workers to make sure my patients are safely discharging and the social worker is giving them appropriate resources for a safe discharge. I thought this was work related. Then I realized she called my private number and that I handed my work cell over to my previous employer that Friday. I would be starting my new job Monday, December 14...the very next day. When I made this realization, I started to pay more attention, so I asked her how I could help her. She told me she needed to get in touch with my ex's relatives, and that his son and step daughter were going to be transferred to another hospital. She needed to inform the family. I said I had my ex's number and could give it to her. She said she did not want any parents' numbers but a family member instead. I found that totally odd because a parent should be the first point of contact. But I obliged and gave her two of their aunt's numbers. I asked what happened, and she said she wasn't allowed to discuss it. I also asked how she got my number, and she said she found it in the phone. I found this completely strange because my ex's son and I don't communicate. I had no idea how old my ex's son was because I knew my ex had two boys after our relationship but never kept track of which age belonged to which name. The social worker graciously thanked me and told me I have been tremendous help. I also found that odd, since her gratitude felt so sincere and zealous for just an exchange of numbers. After I got off the phone with the social worker, I immediately text both of my ex's sisters to give me a call. I wanted to find out what was going on. 

I spoke to my middle, Destiny (since this ex is the father to my two youngest), about the call, and we both made up scenarios as to why they didn't want to contact my ex. I know that children have rights in what they want their parents to know and not know (but my experience and main patient demographic are geriatric patients). I thought this may have been the case. I assumed his son got into some trouble or a situation, he just didn't want his dad to know about. Destiny reminded me that her half-brother, the one getting transferred to another hospital, was only five. Then I dared to question Destiny if she thinks her dad harmed her half-brother. She definitely did not think so (my ex, Levee and I had a tumultuous relationship. There was physical abuse but their was also drugs I didn't know about. After we separated, Levee went to rehab and cleaned himself up. He knew his mistakes and corrected them. He's had healthy relationships with other women after me). I agreed with her and felt bad for even asking. But I was just so stumped as to why they didn't want to talk to him. Whatever, I let it go. I had to. The kids and I had errands to run but in between every stop, we couldn't stop contemplating about that phone call.

My ex's current girlfriend and I actually get along. She's the first to befriend me out of all of Levee's exes, and I am so thankful for our friendship. It's important for me to get along with her since she's a part of my girls' lives. Let me give you an example of the type of woman she is. Remember me writing earlier in September about Destiny's graduation/going away party? Well Levee and his girlfriend Sophia threw the party. Of course I was invited, and I happily attended. As soon as Sophia saw me, she walked up to me, kissed me on my cheek, grabbed my hand, and asked me to introduce her to my mom who also was present. I was happy to do so. I love women who can get over the bullshit past and accept the present for what it is. She was an exceptional woman. Was...

I get another call later that evening after we finished running errands. My daughter was refueling her car before heading home. I pick up again to an unfamiliar number and it's my ex's cousin (I spoke to Levee's sisters through out the day, and they too weren't sure what was going on. They were trying to reach Levee). Levee's cousin and I haven't talked in a year. I kind of severed my friendship with her when I felt it was getting toxic. When I picked up, her number nor her voice was familiar, so I asked who it was. She told me, and immediately, I was agitated and asked her what she wanted. That's when she said, "My cousin died." "Cousin?" What cousin was she talking about? I didn't know any of her other cousins. So I asked her, "Who? What are you talking about?" She said, "Levee. Levee died in a car accident...and Sophia. They both died and their kids were in the back seat." As soon as she said that, I looked up glimpsing out to see Destiny put the gas nozzle back. My youngest daughter, Tavie was sitting in the back seat. I told Levee's cousin, I'd call her back and hung up. Destiny got into the car and looked over at me and asked what was wrong. I told her to drive home (we were only 5 minutes away) as tears streamed my face. I was in shock. That 5 minute drive was spent in silence. I was racking my brain as to how I would tell my girls such terrible news. How do you tell your daughters their dad passed? How do you articulate such a sentence?

When we got home, the girls and I brought in the groceries, and I was thinking should I ask them to sit down or put away the groceries? I wasn't thinking logically so I didn't ask anything. Destiny and Tavie just started putting the groceries away. I, however, had to take a seat and just think. What do I say? How do I say it? I didn't know. So I just said it..."Girls, I have something awful to tell you. You're dad passed away in a car accident." We all started crying and hugged one another. It was the worse conversation I have ever had with my kids. Writing this now is very difficult for me. But my job wasn't quite over yet. I had to phone my oldest, Saveina, and bare the bad news. I was debating if I should have waited for her return home for the holidays or call her immediately. I opted for the latter. Good thing I did because their death was all over social media and the news. They got in a single car accident due to weather. Their car hydroplaned into an embankment and rolled over three times. They both died instantly. The kids got away with minor injuries. Levee's son is five. Sophia's daughter is six.