Hi everyone! I hope you all had a wonderful week/weekend with your loved ones. Mine was pretty busy as I'm sure most of yours were also.
My mom hosted Thanksgiving at her house, and we all pitched in and brought a dish. I brought brussel sprout salad. Well, actually my friend did, the chef I've been talking to for awhile now on and off. I know I know. I said I was eliminating all distractions from my life which included men. But you know what? I have no idea what I'm doing. I just know to do things with respect, honesty, and as much kindness as possible. No one has the answers on how to live a wholesome life. No one. We all just try our best and that's exactly what I'm doing. Trying my best for myself and those around me.
Anyhow, I got drunk. I got drunk with my aunt. Chef guy doesn't drink, and maybe I got drunk because I was nervous. This was the first time in over five years I brought a guy around my family. We're not in a relationship but I thought it would be nice to invite him since he was gonna be alone on Thanksgiving (his family's from Denver). He told me he usually rides his bike along the north coast for Thanksgiving. Even though he enjoys riding his motorcycle, I really didn't want him to spend Thanksgiving alone. Hence, the invitation. However, I also enjoy his company. He's such a great man. So kind and patient, especially with me and my crazy indecisiveness. I'm working on this whole commitment issue I have, and he's been right there by my side without any pressure. I love that.
So yea, like I said I got drunk but thankfully with me when I know I've had a little too much to drink I take myself to the nearest bed and take a nap. I probably took a 30 minute nap and rejoined my family whom Chef guy was sweetly interacting with despite my absence. That just made my heart grow fonder for him. I don't know why I decided to drink. That was actually the first time my family's seen me drunk. I barely drink in front of my family because I never really feel the need to let loose. But I guess that night I was kinda jealous.
In their eyes, I'm guessing they see me as so reserved and "uptight" (neither are true when I'm not at family functions). I mean I'm a mom to three girls. So I don't want them to look at me as irresponsible. In my past, I've done some pretty stupid shit, and I just don't want my family to think I'm the same person. I know some of you might be thinking that if they're family, they should love me unconditionally which I'm sure they do. But this is my own assumption...my own thing I'm working on internally.
Ok, so back to being kinda jealous. I guess I was jealous of my aunt who is only six years older than me. In our family everyone sees her as the fun one, the playful one, etc. That's usually me (when I'm not around family). Seeing her just let loose and have a good time with everyone even with my date made me want to let loose. But I let too much loose and drank a little more wine than I needed. That'll teach me to force myself unnaturally.
Overall, Thanksgiving was fun despite my little intermission of the night. After dinner, we all took a walk up to Coit Tower and took some fun family pictures. My chef was such a trooper through it all. I'm starting to really like my time with him. But we will see. I've noticed when I take it day by day, it works so much better for me than to focus on our future. Well that pretty much wraps up my Thanksgiving day. I hope you all had a great time spending it with your loved ones.
Saturday night one of my girlfriends cooked and hosted a Friendsgiving dinner. I was excited about seeing my girlfriends since I haven't seen them in a while. The host just bought her first home so it was a housewarming celebration as well. There were eight ladies who attended, and we were all decked out in our beautiful dresses and done up hair (requested by the host). It was indeed a special event.
I always make fun of my friend, the host, for being such a type A woman. She's an alpha for sure but so are most of my girlfriends including me. We all have big personalities and even bigger dreams and goals which is a beautiful thing. Last nights dinner, we discussed what we were thankful for, our goals, our accomplishments, food, and sex. Great topic of discussion if you ask me. What made this dinner even more beautiful is that two different groups of my friends finally got to sit down and get to know one another. I have many groups of girlfriends but last night were the two groups I'm closest to. We had my "Fremont Girls" who are more conservative and quiet, and then we had my "Oakland Girls" who are more expressive and loud. Oh and I can't forget about my "City Girl" from San Francisco who also joined. I was a little nervous before dinner because I wasn't sure how the vibe was going to be. This was the first time, we all got to sit down in a more intimate setting. Overall, the dinner was a great success and it was fun and loving.
I haven't seen my girlfriends in quite some time. I've been taking time out to focus on my goals. But it was nice to take a break and chill with a bunch of smart beautiful women. I have to be honest though. I don't always feel this way about my friends. Sometimes they can absolutely get on my nerves. I have one gf who is obnoxious and loud with her never ending jokes, one who lacks confidence in the beauty she exhibits, and another who always has to be the center of attention. There are these little quirks in them that I find myself being annoyed by, and then that's when I need to give myself a reality check. Because there are times when I hold myself in such high regard, I can become a bit arrogant and think I know it all, as in the "right" way to live. Ha! What a bunch of BS. This is exactly when I need to humble and ground myself. And then it hits me, all those things I find annoying, I realize are the reasons why I love them in the first place. They're not negative or liars or destructive by any means. They're all just trying to find peace within themselves. Shit, we all are, including myself.
I get a huge reality check when I see them or when I notice my train of thought running and have to remind myself I'm not perfect what so ever, and quite, frankly, I don't want to be anymore. It's exhausting because I've tried. When we're together, I'm totally reminded about how judgmental I'm being. I'm reminded about how loving and beautiful our friendship is. I'm reminded about how they accept me for every single flaw I have without judgment. I'm reminded about how much they love me unconditionally. I'm reminded about how they are supportive of one another and only want the best for each other. I'm reminded about humbleness and humanity. I'm reminded about patience and acceptance. I'm reminded about love and friendship.
I don't know it all. So why do I try to force my beliefs or way of living on my friends? I do this more in my mind when they're not around verses in person. This is something I'm working on and definitely getting better at. Despite our differences in the way we choose to live our lives, our common ground is love and support without judgment What more could a girl ask for? So if I want an abundance of unconditional love, then an abundance of unconditional love I shall give.
The other night, I happened to cook dinner (something I do regularly since I have to feed my youngest) but this time it was a little different. I invited my friend over. It was an impromptu invite. In fact, I didn't think about inviting him over until I was at the grocery store. We both were headed to my house around the same time. So this gave me little time to prepare or do anything extra fancy before he got to my house. As a mom "chef", most of my recipes are about convenience and taste verses quality and art. This would be the first time I would cook for my friend, who so happens to be an Italian chef for over twenty years.
I had two choices for dinner: Vietnamese vermicelli noodles with pork and veggies (my version to save time) or korean short ribs (marinated the way I marinate everything with my key Asian ingredients) with stir fry on-choy and rice. I chose to cook the latter, since it is one of mine and my youngest favorites.
When I got home, I marinated the short ribs right away so it could sit while I prepared the other dishes. As I was marinating my short ribs, a little insecurity spilled over because I reminded myself I was cooking for a professional chef. My insecurities made me second guess my ingredients and the amount of spices I was using even though I've made this dish a hundred times. But that's what happens when we over think and allow our insecurities to get the best of us. We second guess everything and lose our confidence to produce great results. Well, I had to let that shit go. I really had to check myself and remind myself that I'm a fucking mom. My worse critics are my kids, unfortunately, and I've been chefing (I know, not a real word but bare with me) it up for over fifteen years now without even realizing it until now. Sure, my dishes haven't been presented in a five star setting with three or even a one dollar sign to follow. But my kids will tell me straight up the flavor of my food, what it's lacking or not, whether they want to continue eating it or not. As bad as they are critiquing my food, they also are the best at making me a better cook.
So once my insecurities crept in about someone else judging my food, I thought about my kids and said if it's good enough for them it's good enough for anyone else. Kids are just so honest and real. I am a better person because of my kids. My food tastes better because of my kids. Sure, I complained to my friend that I don't take the time or art to cook like "real" chefs do. But I think it is an art to cook a full course meal for four within thirty minutes that is healthy and tastes great on a budget. I didn't give myself enough credit for the creativity I display in my meals or in my life. I don't think a lot of moms do. Last night was a reminder of that. So guess what I did? I gave myself a shit load of credit for being such a great mom/chef (even before finishing dinner), and I think you should too! Because you know what? Not only was I marinating my short ribs and preparing my on-choy, I also did the dishes and put groceries away in between while answering my daughter's questions of the day. Now that is fucking art!
So yea, last night I cooked for a chef, and said to myself, "Fuck it. If it's good enough for the kids, it's good enough for him." And you know what? Everything was all good. He loved dinner and so did I and my youngest.
Why did I really start this blog? Well...when I was younger, I loved books. It was a way for me to escape my world of violence and drugs. I grew up in Oakland, CA. In the projects, Morh House Projects. We had a mobile library that parked around the corner of my house every Saturday morning. It was always empty. I was able to check out a book and then return it for a new one the following week. Reading was my adventure. It was my form of travel. I got to read about other families who lived "normal" lives and complained about their tongue sandwich their mom packed for them (a Beverly Cleary book) verses living in my own reality of watching my uncle snort coke while playing cards and hitting his wife, my blood aunt. I got to read about stability, love, and understanding when Ramona decided to squeeze a tube of toothpaste out on the sink. Forgetting for a brief moment about my own reality when I got hit off the toilet with a broom stick because I still wanted to play outside. A couple of days later to find out I had a new place to live without any notice or the ability to say good bye to my family or friends. I had to leave everything behind. Just like that. I was seven. My story can go on and on and on about the tumultuous life I once lived. Books were my only escape. They were my savior. Maybe that's why I try so hard to stay positive now because I know how dark life can get. Now I only experience hard days. No more dark days. I can handle hard. I can't handle dark. Although I have survived them.
So back to my initial question. Why did I really start my blog? Well, number one, it's because I love to write. I've always realized I had a gift but really never had the confidence. I always needed validation of some sort to share my gifts. And you know what? Living in the ghetto, you were rarely ever gifted with any type of positive validation. But now that I'm older, my validation comes from within and so should everyone else's. I've always thought I was never good enough to write. So I didn't. I lost my creativity and imagination because I didn't allow myself to embrace my talents. I'm not going to do that anymore. And that is why I started this blog. To share my love of writing whether you think I suck or not. This...this is for me. I also write to share my story. To possibly reach out to someone currently in their dark days. To let them know with self-love anything is possible. I love my life now. And I also understand that everyday my life is a work in progress. I can't just be all sunshine and glitter for a few days and think that is enough to live a positive healthy life. No. It is an everyday process. Like I said, I can handle hard days. But I will no longer tolerate dark days. Writing is therapeutic for me. It heals me. And like I said earlier, I hope that by sharing my story, it touches someone else and ignites the healing process within them.
I write to also bring back my imagination and creativity. A gift we all have and sometimes lose. Like I tell my daughters, "Hold on to your creativity and imagination. This is something you can't really learn in school. And as you get older, it slowly slips away from you if you don't use it." So yea, this is why I started my blog. If the things I write make you cringe or annoyed, I'm not apologizing. Instead, I bless you and hope you find something that inspires you to lead a life with love. I choose to write not to harm or offend and if I did, then I apologize. But maybe you should just really think about what you're doing for yourself to heal yourself and promote self love within. Because then you won't get easily offended or hurt. I have learned how to love myself unconditionally that I'm not easily offended anymore. Go ahead and talk shit. Tell me I don't know how to write or that I don't know how to drive because I'm Asian (I'm actually a great driver). I really don't give a fuck. And that is because I'm too busy learning to love myself unconditionally. Your opinion is just that, it is yours. So you can keep it. Oh and if I forgot to mention, I also write because one day, I hope to write a book. I won't reach my goal if I don't practice, right?
And this is why I write.
Right now, I just want to take this moment to give thanks for my abundance. I am just so overwhelmed with gratitude, I need to express it. It may be because of my sudden clarity from cleansing, I don't know. Not worried about where it's coming from only appreciating this moment for what it is.
Today, I had a great smooth day. So I'll give thanks for that. I got off work early, and now I'm waiting for my daughter to come home so we can go shopping. I am so thankful for that. I'm thankful for all of the abundance this universe has blessed me with and all of the beautiful people in my life. I'm thankful. I'm thankful for the strength within me. I'm thankful for the opportunity to be a mom. I'm thankful for my job that sustains my lifestyle, and I'm thankful for my cat. I'm grateful for the water I drink. I'm so forever grateful for the love that surrounds me and my life. Like I said, I am so overwhelmed with gratitude which in return also overwhelms me with so much joy.
There are a lot of things I can sit here and worry about, sure. But why would I want to do that to myself? I deserve beauty. I deserve joy. I deserve peace. Everyone does. Feeling grateful only enhances my experience and life. I give myself permission to feel all of the positivity this world has to offer and so should you. Seriously, give thanks to all that is good, great, abundant and focus on that. Your universe will shift in your favor. Just try it.
Thanks for reading my dear friends.
So I started a 30 day cleanse on 10/28/15, and today is actually the first day of a deep cleanse. There are four deep cleanses within the 30 days. The 30 day cleanse consists of two shakes and one meal. Whereas a deep cleanse consists of 4 cleanse drinks throughout the day and no meals or shakes (email me if you'd like to know more). I chose to do my deep cleanse today and tomorrow, along with three other people for support. The group I'm detoxing with meet regularly once a week, and we talk about a lot of positive things, like spirituality, nutrition, the list goes on and on. I'm really thankful to have met such a cool and loving group of people.
Anyway, my first day of deep cleansing couldn't have come at a better time. Not only am I detoxing my body, but I am in much need of detoxing my mind and soul. Remember NYC guy I just wrote about in my last blog? My weekend rendezvous? I just spoke to him this morning, and thankfully he was honest to me and shared with me that he had a week long rendezvous with a woman from Brazil. Ouch. I really liked him. But you know what? I really love myself so much more. I have now made a commitment to myself to completely let him go. Let him go in my imagination of being together "someday". Let go of my feelings I have for him. Just let go of everything, and I'm ok with that. It's not that I didn't like him because I did. I mean just read below, and you'll get the gist of how I felt about him. But at the end of the day, he's toxic. I don't want any toxins in my life. I mean fuck, I'm detoxing my body for my health. Why not detox my life for peace of mind? The old me was never like this. I would drag it on and on as far as it would go. I can't do that anymore because I know my worth.
I am also letting go of a man I'm casually dating. Every time I felt lonely or bored, I'd run to him. But you know what? Although he wasn't toxic, he was a distraction. A distraction from learning how to love my own company. A distraction from pursuing my goals. Not his fault at all. But it was easier to run to him than to focus on shit I needed to get done in order to get closer to my goals.
I'm thankful for all of my beautiful girlfriends who are always there for me. Through times when I'm not so lovable and to moments of just plain insanity, they have stuck by me. I speak of them because today when I ended my call with NYC guy, I needed support, and they were right there without any hesitation. I appreciate my life. I know how valuable it is. That's why when he told me about his week, I knew what I couldn't put up with. I'm thankful the Universe/God removed him from my life, and today of all days. A day when I decide to do a deep detox. God's timing is always perfect.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
A little about me...
I'm learning how to look at everything with love, even if it seems impossible, like rush hour traffic. I want to share my journey of self-love so that others may want to emulate and pass it on into the universe. Ohh...and sometimes people call me Suzie.