This was written back in June. I guess at that time, I wasn't ready to share. This is in regards to my weekend with NYC guy in Denver...we still keep in touch, and we still care for each other. We haven't seen each other since except for the occasional Skype. He's in Europe now. Hopefully, he'll return to the States the end of this year. So who knows? My story isn't over yet.
June 12, 2015
This past weekend, I got to experience a brief moment of what I wanted in a relationship. I went to meet a man I’ve known for a month and spend the weekend with him. Our plan was to have dinner Thursday night when I arrived, and then sightsee all day Friday. Except our plans changed quickly because he became ill. Sinus infection to be exact.
This meant more time in the hotel room which also meant more time alone with one another. When I was flying out to see him, I didn’t have any expectations. I just figured, I’d have a good time and come back with a great story to tell...one for the books, basically. Well, I do have a great story to tell but it’s not one of action where we did fun things and explored a new city as planned. It’s a great story of intimacy and care that I didn’t realize I missed so much in my life.
Thursday night, we stayed in and played cards. I taught him how to play 3 card poker, and he, of course, had beginners luck. He kicked my ass. It was fun. It was sweet. It was two people relaxing without expectations while having a great time.
Later that night, he fell ill and both him and I woke up throughout the night. I woke to make him tea to soothe his throat, and did it again closer to dawn. I felt his forehead for a fever which was evident. He had night sweats also. The next day, Friday, our plans were “ruined” because he was just too sick to do anything. I understand. I understood. I wanted him to feel as comfortable as possible, so I tried nursing him to comfort. Running to the drug store and picking up over the counter meds to minimize his discomfort.
We laid next to one another, talked to one another, laughed with one another, laughed at one another, ate with one another, and watched tv with one another. We were on a mini holiday in a mini relationship. I was living in the moment and felt relaxed, comfortable, safe, and completely happy...I missed being close to a man. I missed being close with a man. This man made it easy for me to be close. Something I realized I had challenges with.
I wanted to touch him, wake up next to him, care for him, and dare I say it, love him. Then I woke up Saturday morning still with the intention of nursing him back to comfort but this time, I had the sharp realization that I might never see him again. We never talked about being in a relationship. In fact, we both knew it wouldn’t amount to that because of both our circumstances. But spending time in such close proximity, made me want to be in a relationship. Be in a relationship with him. Why him? Well because...Although he was sick, he was still kind. He was still considerate. He was still thoughtful. He was still a comedian. He was still sexy. He still made effort to do what he could for me.
That Saturday, he had enough strength to have breakfast. But it was that Saturday that reality hit me, and I couldn’t articulate my feelings both internally and externally. So as I do often when I’m afraid, I build an armor around myself. He noticed. I couldn’t tell him the truth because my tears and heart would’ve melted me away into a puddle of embarrassment. I already knew what his response to my wants would’ve been. He wasn’t ready for a relationship. Especially with the line of work he currently was in with being on the road and all. I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to confirm the truth. I just wanted to slip away quietly and console my own misery with my own company.
How did I allow myself to love someone so quickly? How did I let my guard down? How did I fall? Was it because of the fact that I have been single for five years and finally found a man who considers me, even if for a brief moment. Or are my feelings valid because of the connection and chemistry I have with this man?
This is what I have come up with, I fell in love because, yes, I let my guard down. I let my guard down unexpectedly because I was caring for him, nursing him, looking after him. This, this is what I do best. I’m a mom. Naturally, I take care of people and automatically my heart and soul is fueled with passion to care for this person. Hence, why my heart opened up. Plus him being who he is, a kind and funny man only propelled my feelings for him more. When he reached over to hold my hand, or kiss me mid-sentence because I talked too much about nothing, or when he caressed my hair and placed my head on his chest. All those little things, all those little moments of intimacy that were lacking in my life, gave me life again. Not only did his actions pull on my heart but my caress in his hair, hand on his forehead, kiss on his back, my actions towards him only drew me closer to him as well. His soft skin and his silky hair are now imprinted in my memory along with his actions.
Yes, I’ve been single for five years and during those five years I have dated plenty of men. Some who have caressed my skin and held my hand. But they never gave me the feeling of connection or intimacy. It was more a feeling of expectation. Like...let’s hold hands while we walk to the restaurant because that’s what is expected. But with him, nothing was expected. But everything was as it was supposed to be. I wanted it to be a part of my life and not just a moment in my life.
The last day together, he still wasn’t feeling well so I got us breakfast. He got ready for his day since he had to work and when I returned, we ate breakfast on the little dining table in our room. We didn’t really have much to talk about. It was awkward. We both just knew. I asked that he didn’t forget about me and to stay in touch. He requested the same. After breakfast, he occupied himself with doing things around the room and when it was finally 15 minutes before he had to leave, we took pictures. Our ending was quick. I had so many feelings running through me that I had to stay quiet because again I didn’t want to melt into this sad puddle of emotions. When he left the room, I quietly closed the door behind him and broke down in tears holding my face in my hands. The feeling was just too overwhelming. It just hurt so much and I couldn’t believe it. I just knew that would be the last time I would get to see him, feel him, touch him, or taste him. That was the last time I would get to experience him and it was such a wonderful experience.
Four days later and I’m still thinking about my experience with him. So much so that I’m writing about it now. Now I console myself with the idea that the universe knows what’s best for me, and I find comfort in knowing that. Whatever the universe brings into my life will always be what is perfect for me at the most perfect time. As sad as I am that my moment has passed with him, I am excited to see what else the universe has in store for me. It will take time, like all things for this hurt to fade. I get that, and I deserve that time. Just like I deserve whatever it is the universe will bless me with.
The way I see it, is that the universe let me experience him, so I can know indefinitely what it is I want in a relationship. And that is laughter, intimacy, and love of every kind. Thank you universe.
This is for all my single mommas...and just a good read for all mommys & non mommys as well lol. I wanted to talk about how we view baggages and blessings in our life, the words we use, and how we use them.
I've been a single mom for quite some time now. I remember when I first started dating right after I left my daughters' dad, I always made sure my daughters always came first. Now when I say came first, I mean as in how I value my girls. My time wasn't always for them because I too needed a break but their overall well-being is what I always kept in mind. I'd like to say that I have been successful in choosing the men I've dated seriously to be a part of our lives. Although not many, the guys who I have had a serious relationship with always respected and loved my girls. Til this day, my ex who helped me raise my girls for about seven years, still keeps in touch with them. When I met him, he was single and never dated anyone with kids (most the men I date usually don't have kids). I remember my girlfriend asking me how I do it? Like me, she also had three kids and was single. But for some reason could not attract quality men. Here is what I did differently...
I tossed out that term "baggage". I never thought of my kids as baggage. NEVER. I don't know why or how baggage was linked to children but it's negative and completely off key. I have, however, always viewed my girls as blessings. I see so many young moms view their dating life as over because of how much baggage they carry (meaning kids). Thinking that if it's hard for them to carry around so much "baggage" how could anyone else want to take on the load? How you view your life is how others will view yours as well.
Like I said, I always thought of my girls as blessings and when I started dating, I always thought about how lucky the guy I would settle down with would be (of course me and the girls would be lucky too). But my thought process is this (and I'm sure there are some who disagree but that's why they wouldn't be for me), I figured whomever I choose in our lives would have the blessings of not only my love but that of my three girls. How beautiful is that? Four blessings. Love is beautiful and pure. When you can have love in all facets of life, it can only enrich you, I'd like to think.
My ex and I lasted for about seven years before I decided to spread my wings and grow into my own. He has helped me at the most perfect timing and has created a lifetime relationship with both my girls and I. In the past, people never thought he would ever settle down with someone with "baggage". He was your typical single guy. Had multiple women he dated and was even labeled as, "Mr. International" for all the different women he dated. When he found out I had kids, he was hesitant, and I was indifferent. Whether he wanted to be with me or not, would not change me as a mother. Because to me, my kids are blessings, and I let him know this fact. But I didn't fight it or defend it. I just stated the truth. For seven years he spoiled all of us, and we spoiled him with our love. He still calls to check in on the girls. In fact, this summer, the two youngest spent time with him and his new family in So-Cal. We have been blessed with his gift of loving us and he has been blessed with ours.
Now that I'm dating again, I still hold the same thought process about my blessings and have been blessed with many great men in my life. My home is fun and loving with "lots of life" as one of my girlfriend puts it. That is a true blessing all on its own. I look forward to committing to someone in the near future and sharing my life and my blessings with that special someone. And if you're single (whether you're a mom or not), you should look forward to it too. My dear, you are such a blessing all on your own as well. Please be mindful and respectful as to how you view yourself and others in life. The more positive you are the more positive will surface around you. You deserve that and so does your family.
Just stop. Stop playing games. Stop playing mind games. Stop playing negative games with yourself. It's unhealthy and destructive. These games I'm talking about are the victim/blame game, comparison game, and would've should've could've game. Why do we do this to ourselves? It brings nothing but negative feelings, and honestly, doesn't do anything to bring up our well being.
Example, when I was younger, I would go on to social media and check out other women's pictures. I would start thinking about how fun her life looked, or how beautiful her features were. Then I would start imagining how much better her life was than mine because she got to travel around the world, or how people admired her so much because of her perfect size nose and how mine compared to hers looked like a mushroom. Whatever the fuck it was, I compared my beauty both in life and body to someone else's and always fell short. It was destructive behavior. I once read a statement that said something like just appreciate the beauty in someone without comparing your own and leave it at that. No comparisons. Nothing. It's as simple as that (we tend to do that often, make things more complicated than it needs to be). Just appreciate the beauty in which you see. Makes sense to me now but before not so much. Every time I saw something in others that was beautiful, I always seemed to automatically compare myself to that person. Maybe because I wanted it too and didn't realize I already had it. Here's something else I have to say. We are all beautiful in our own way. Yes, cliche but it's true. I've learned how to understand this. My life is perfect for me and theirs for them. We are all beautiful in such a unique and inspiring way. So take the time to realize your worth, please.
Another game I loved playing when I was younger was the blame game. Oh I was so good at it. It kind of blends in with the victim game. I used to blame others for my emotions, for my feelings. I didn't understand the power of being the owner of my feelings. Last night, I was talking to my girls about how we need to be accountable of our feelings. If we're sad or depressed instead of blaming someone for it, we need to figure out how to face this certain emotion and handle it constructively. I was trying to talk to them about accountability. It all comes down to building a strong foundation within self and being completely honest with ourselves. Some people self medicate (with drugs and alcohol) when they're upset...not taking responsibility and facing what scares them, negative emotions. They would rather suppress their feelings which has been triggered by someone or something. It's also easier to blame others for why they're not moving forward in life. But in all honesty, you're not moving forward because you don't want to face what ever fears it is you hold inside. No one wants to admit their fear because it makes them sound like a little pussy or so they think. Be brave and face your fear. Don't ever let anyone turn you into a victim and allow them to dictate your actions in life. So many times, I've heard people say something like, I'm scared of...commitment because I've been hurt too many times. Well, I'm sorry that is just not right. You are giving that other person (this could be a lover, parent, sibling, friend, etc) control, and they now have control over your life without even knowing it. This is wrong and stop blaming them. You have ALL the control over your life whether its good or bad. It has always been your choice. But I guess it's easier to shift that responsibility onto someone else rather than dealing with it. You see where I'm going with this?
And last but not least, the would've should've could've game. How many times have we sat there and contemplated on doing something verses just doing it. Again, last night my kids and I were talking about the gym. We said that once you start thinking about whether or not you should go to the gym, most likely the answer will be no. Because you spend so much time just thinking about all the things that needs to be done before you go it just discourages you. But if you were just to go, you'd be less likely not to over think and discourage yourself out of it. Well the would've should've could've game is similar. We tend to over think about the things we have to work at to achieve. For instance, if we wanted to start a business, we think about all the pitfalls and reasons it wouldn't work. We excuse this thought process with being smart, cautious, and thinking "constructively". Yes, I get it. But sometimes we think about all the negatives before we even start which makes us not want to start at all. If we actually started and received constructive failures during the process, we have learned something in exchange. So it's not like your efforts were all in vain. It's more of a destructive failure if you're sitting on your couch thinking about all the would've should've could've moments in your life. And if you're waiting on the right moment to do something constructive, there is no perfect time except for the time you take action despite all the obstacles against you. Embrace the discomfort and just do it.
The only games you should play are either card games, board games, or games which enhance your life and well-being. Not bullshit that drains your energy and depletes you of your self-worth. You are a strong person but only you can flex that and build that strength within you. Work on it and each day you will get stronger, I promise. Especially to all my women, we are such strong creatures...we were built this way naturally. And to all my fellow moms out there, like I tell all my friends with kids, we are natural born hustlers. So fuck fear and just do you. If you fall, have faith the universe will catch you. Build yourself, grow yourself, and love yourself unconditionally.
Hello. I wanted to take a moment to write about mindfulness. I have already started my health and wellness classes and can't believe I'm already three weeks in. Time flies so fast...Last week in class, we touched on how we could be more of service to our clients. A good portion of our class was in regards to mindfulness and the art and practice of being mindful. Before class, we had readings and audios assigned to us. I remember trying to listen to the audios but also multi-tasking. I knew I was supposed to solely focus on the audio assignment at hand but I figured if I were to multi-task I would get more done.
In these audio assignments, there were people who spoke about what mindfulness meant to them. Basically, mindfulness means being in the present moment, focusing on the present moment. Something I work hard at but often lack. Even when I was listening to what mindfulness meant my mind was off wandering elsewhere while my body was doing other things instead of practicing the art of stillness.
Recently, I started meditating again. I have been out of my mind with a shit load of distractions lately. I usually do really well with living and focusing on the present moment. But lately I have been over thinking. You may say something like, "it seems like you do this often Suzie. In previous blogs, you've mentioned before how you over think." Yes, this may be true but I will always be a work in progress and will always continue to evolve. But reality is, I'm fucking human and there will always be an ebb and flow to my life. I welcome it, acknowledge it, appreciate it, and learn from it. Hence, why I work hard to practice mindfulness. Sometimes it comes natural to me, and I'm ecstatic for living in the moment. Sometimes it gets a lot harder to be mindful because things suck at the present moment. I guess I'm sharing this with you to offer support if you ever find yourself over thinking or falling off track from positive thinking. It's like poison. It hurts and from my own experience, I can tell you that when I'm not mindful of the moment, my actions also showcase a destructive behavior.
Can I share something? Remember that NYC guy I wrote about in a previous blog? Well, we started talking to each other again. Actually, we started talking to each other a couple months ago. And yes, I still have strong feelings for him. I'm trying not to lose myself in it but I recently started stalking his social networking page. Yea yea...I know. I'm a little crazy. And low and behold, I found something that my mind misinterpreted. When I asked him about it, he explained and things were fine. But really, I knew there was something that needed to change within me. I'm ashamed of my actions and noticed by that negative action, it caused my mind to have a snowball effect of negative thoughts.
This lesson in class about mindfulness could've not come at a better time. I am so thankful because it reminded me to take a moment and focus on my moment now. Not someone else's which in this case, I was focusing on NYC guy's moment and thinking about what he was doing and what he was up to. Definitely natural but when it comes to a point of stalking, not natural and true to our inner self. In class, we discussed some exercises that could be done in order to bring ourselves back into the present moment. There's always deep breathing exercises involved of course. For instance, they said you should take moments out of your day to take three deep breaths. One lady said that every time her phone rings, she takes that opportunity to focus on the present moment and give thanks. I recently just bought a coloring book and will take some time out of my day just to color. Yes, to color! And only color...instead of thinking of something else, I'm going to focus on what color I want my picture to be and that's it.
It's hard. I'll admit. To focus on the present moment. My mind goes a hundred miles a minute. Always thinking about what's next. And what I think is being productive by always thinking of what to do next, can actually be destructive. Something I've noticed that works for me is whenever I'm faced with a challenge that I can't figure out, I give it to the universe. I even tell the universe I'm handing it over. I literally tell myself, "I'm no longer going to worry about this because I'm handing it to the universe to take care of." And 100% of the time it works out in my favor. Of course these are things not in my control. So if you have a bill to pay don't be irresponsible and think the universe will take care of that. Take care of the things you can and the universe will take care of the things you can't.
A little about me...
I'm learning how to look at everything with love, even if it seems impossible, like rush hour traffic. I want to share my journey of self-love so that others may want to emulate and pass it on into the universe. Ohh...and sometimes people call me Suzie.