Just a few days ago, I wrote about how I love a man who allows me to be free. Free as in single (you guys are going to go through my mommy journey as well as my dating journey with me). So yea, as I was saying, in one of my blogs I write about a "relationship" I had with such a wonderful sweet man. Just recently, I made the decision to let him go.
We had an open relationship where we dated other people. I couldn't commit to him, and he wasn't sure what he wanted. Our terms were to be open and honest with each other which was pretty successful. However, this past month, I couldn't help but have this guilty feeling overwhelm me. We both understood our "relationship". I thought if I was completely honest with him, I wouldn't have a guilty conscience or feel selfish. I reminded him often, I couldn't commit to him. I even told him I had feelings for another man. He said he was fine with it and just wanted me in his life. I thought that would be enough, telling him the truth. But my guilty conscience continued to guide me into shitty days.
It was until recently, I made the decision that in order for me to remove this negative energy, I needed to let him go. It wasn't that he was negative energy. In fact, he was such a positive impact and soul. But being completely honest to someone isn't the only way to live an honest life. I could tell he had more feelings for me than I for him. I could tell with each moment we spent together, his feelings would continue to grow. I tried my best to enjoy my moment with him but dreaded the day when it would have to end. So I did what I needed to do and that was to let him go. You may be wondering why I can't make a commitment to him if he's such a wonderful man. Here's why...there's no chemistry on my part. I thought the more time I spent with him the more my feelings would grow, the more chemistry I would gain. Instead, my respect and love for him grew but chemistry was none.
He said he was fine with our situation and that he was a healthy mature man (which I completely agree). But my feelings told me it wasn't right. I had to take heed from my intuition. Yes, he may be fine with it now but I'm afraid that later on with more time spent together, it will tell a different story. I didn't want to feel selfish anymore. And because I love and respect him, I did what I felt was best for the both of us.
I told him that eventually, I hope to reunite and maintain a friendship. He said of course and it ended well. For that past week, I was feeling such a negative vibration and it really affected my days. My friends said they knew all along the best thing for me to do was to remove myself from the situation. Although it was a healthy "relationship," me feeling guilty and selfish was not what I wanted out of it and that's exactly what I was getting.
We may be completely 100% honest in what we speak and think that's enough. But it's not. We also have to take into consideration our actions and learn how to trust our instincts. To empathize with the person we care about and make decisions that benefit everyone around us. Our words and action both need to be in alignment, I have realized. I had to make this decision and although it was a difficult choice, I'm glad I let go. I wanted to keep him by my side for all the wrong reasons. I wanted to keep him by my side for when I was bored (so awful to say but it's the truth and the truth isn't always pretty ~ cliche, I know). Because with him, I had someone to take me out, to explore the city with, to eat at delicious restaurants with, to watch plays with, and to play with. But at the end of the day, I want to live a life of integrity. I have to learn how to deal with my boredom on my own. So because I love and respect this man, I had to let him go.
Sometimes, I don't think my friends get it. Especially the ones without kids. I mean I make being a mom look effortless, I suppose. I barely bitch or complain. I just do what needs to be done, and I do it in silence, I suppose. My friends ask me out here and there, and don't get me wrong, I'm very thankful for their invites. But sometimes, I am so completely tired, I just need to isolate myself from anything that will exert more of my energy.
There is always something on my mind, whether it's what to cook or when I can fit my daughter's eye appointment in. Is my eldest getting enough to eat or my middle adjusting to her new college life? Not only is my body multitasking (while I vacuum and grill chicken breast for dinner simultaneously. It can be done. Trust me) but my mind is following suit. When I have time to sit, I feel guilty as if I should be doing something. And if I'm not in the act of doing something, I feel like I should be in the act of thinking about what to do next. I'm always on the go even when I have no where to go.
But do people really understand how busy us moms are? I'm not exactly sure. I had a girlfriend ask me one time, "So what have you been up to?" My response, "Busy with my girls." My eldest was moving into her first apartment (she needed help on her deposit), while my middle was applying for colleges (one of the most stressful times for all of us), and my youngest was going through the motions (poor baby). Before I could elaborate to her, here is what she said to me, "You're always busy with your girls. I always hear you say that. Isn't there anything else you do?" Umm, yes bitch. Aren't I in front of you having dinner? I didn't say that but I wanted to with a slap as well. Tsk tsk for my impatience. Oh well. Sometimes I lack it and it shows. Other times, I lack it and it grows. What are you gonna do?
But honestly, do you really understand how busy I get? Let me break today down for you so you'll have a reference in case you forget (you = to my friends who don't get it).
6:30am I get up trying to give thanks but feeling tired as fuck
7:30am I'm out the door with my roller bag of files, lunch under my arm, two cell phones in my purse, keys and green shake in hand, and my kid by my side.
7:45am I drop my kid off and say I love you. Have a great day etc. Then I'm off to battle traffic (I use to have to commute two hrs one way. Then I did this really beautiful thing and prayed my ass off for a shorter commute and it was answered in a month. Still praying for that raise though. UPDATE 10/1/15: I got a raise and didn't even know it. It's for cost of living increase! Ah the power of law of attraction)
8:30am Get to work and my day is not my own for about 8 hours give or take. However, this is where I fit in scheduling doctor appointments, searching online for a special bike lock my middle needs, repurchasing prescription acne medication, etc all while being productive at work. Not to mention answering questions my kids have throughout the day...can I go to homecoming? Is it okay if I go camping over the weekend sans adult? Yes, to homecoming. No, to camping.
6pm I'm thinking about what to cook, do I have all the ingredients. If not, which is the most convenient market that will have everything I need. Do I need gas? How many days can I go before pumping again? When was the last time I filled up? If I stop to buy groceries, how much time will it take from getting home and starting dinner? I have to call my friend and tell her I can't make it to her daughter's b-day dinner because I got out of work too late. I still need to feed my own kid.
7pm Home and I need to sit. Yea yea, I know I just sat in traffic for about an hour but I'm mentally fried. Fuck, I gotta start dinner because my daughter has a school program to go to in an hour.
7:30pm She's eating while I'm cleaning the fridge out. I'm so tired, I lost my appetite.
8pm I drive her to her program, and I'm kind of relieved because I tell myself I can actually sleep as soon as I get home. Dammit, I forgot I have to pick her up in an hour. So what do I do? I come home contemplating on taking a nap but realizing it'll be too hard for me to get up to pick her up. So instead, I pack my lunch for tomorrow and do the dishes.
9:30pm I pick her up and decide to finally get gas. We get home, I ask her if she's still hungry because I start feeling hungry. I pack my work bag for tomorrow and look for my fucking ticket I got for being in the HOV lane without my fastrak device. I have to go to court tomorrow. As if I didn't have enough to do.
10pm I eat two dark chocolate pieces and drop myself on the couch. My mind is foggy and my body is tense. But I still feel like I need to do something. So I log onto my email and think about all the pending things I need to complete online.
11pm Still feeling restless, I decide to write and here I am. I'm afraid if I don't write right now, I won't get inspired to later. Because who knows, I might be too burnt out or too busy doing other shit that I will never get a chance to write. So here is my opportunity and here I am. Tired as fuck but ready for tomorrow. I don't complain because I really can't afford to. My energy is always used for something. So, I'd rather save it for better use than complaining. Am I right? However, it may sound like the above are complaints but really it's not. It's just my day.
And now it's 12am and I'm beating myself up for not going to bed (ok, ok, that was complaining) when I had that window of opportunity between 10 and 11pm. Even if I did, I bet I'd stay up for about 3 to 4 hours anyway.
Somedays, I think about the day when I'll finally grow up and learn how to manage my time wisely. Then other days, I realize I am grown up and doing the best I can and give myself a pat on the back.
My weekends are special to me because I can do whatever the hell I want and that is completely nothing!! Well, sometimes that is...
I did. I said, "I love you" to him. He's a special man to me you see. We met 4 months ago and ever since, we've stayed connected. We text practically everyday, speak on the phone regularly, and have such a wonderful time when we're together. He's a beautiful man to me. He spoils me endlessly with his love and attention. I'm a lucky girl for sure.
I respect this man so much that I asked him to call me last night when he was available. I had to tell him how I felt again. Last week, at the dinner party was actually the first time I told him I love him. Last night, I wanted to talk about "us". The reason why we work is because we have such an open and honest line of communication. We had this conversation several times but I started getting scared again and had to make sure we were both on the same page. We started off the conversation sharing our day, and when he finished, I took a deep breath and asked him to be truly honest with me. I asked him if somewhere in the back of his mind or in the depths of his heart he was hoping for us to be committed to one another. I had to ask him. It was only last week where he sent me a text that read, "The more I see you the more I want you."
Let me clarify our "relationship". We have something special for sure. But it's not exactly what you're thinking. Yes, I do love him, and he's expressed his love for me as well. It's beautiful what we have. It's refreshing. So refreshing what we have. And it's also mature and clear and loving what we have. But it wasn't so clear just a few days ago. On our call, he told me he wants what I want. He wants me to be happy. Everything about him is always about me. So I asked him what he really wants...and he said he was on the fence. That although when we're not together, he wonders what I'm doing or who I'm with. He doesn't want to know. And the more he spends time with me, the more his feelings grow. He had to check himself.
You're probably confused right about now so let me further clarify. I love spending time with him. I do. I love his company. I love his energy. Shit, I love him. BUT I don't want a relationship. I don't want to commit. I want to have my cake and eat it too. He knew this. He knows this. We had a talk. We had several talks about this. And we were both on the same page about things. But a couple weeks ago, we had an amazing time together. So much so, we texted things to each other like couples do. I miss you. Can't wait to see you again. The more I see you, the more I want you...This scared me. Not because I'm afraid of commitment. Like I told him, this time in my life, is the most healthiest I have ever been: mind, body, and soul. I want to explore. I want to explore the world. Yes, I've been single for five years, and yes, I've been told I'm not getting any younger. But I know what I want. And it isn't a commitment from him. My friend said I was being selfish. This is why I needed to talk to him. She told me I shouldn't use people because karma will not be in my favor. This is why I asked him to call me. I felt like a user. Selfish for having him fulfill my temporary needs. I needed to make clear to him what I was doing. This is why I dreaded having this conversation.
He's a sensitive man. A beautiful loving man. I'm glad I attracted such a wonderful soul into my life. Like he said, "what we have is refreshing" and I completely agree. I was afraid he was growing feelings for me in which I couldn't return the expectations he had from me. He confirmed yes, his feelings do grow for me. But he had no expectations. And I realized, I didn't give him enough credit. He's a smart and mature man. He just wants me to be happy. I was fast forwarding our lives to the day it would end. I don't want to hurt him. I love and respect him. I just didn't want to continue seeing him if he held on to some false hope of "us". He told me though...that although he thinks of me, he's not trying to manipulate the situation, and when he starts to over think about "us" he has to let go. He reminded me to just enjoy our moment now. He's a smart man indeed. Like I said, I didn't give him enough credit. So I had to take heed.
Our conversation ended well, and yes, he said he was on the fence because his feelings for me increase. But like me, he also wants to explore because this too is the healthiest he's ever been. I told him like attracts like. It's the law of attraction. We're both blessed, and for the first time in both our lives, our friendship/relationship is the healthiest, most honest, and open relationship we've both experienced. This "thing" we have is also a first. Where there's no pressure, no expectations. It's just day by day, moment by moment (with the minor reminders of course). He told me, he just wants me in his life, even if that means letting me be free. And this is why I told him I love him, you see.
So on Friday, I had to do one of the hardest things a parent has to do. Let their child grow up and gain their independence. I had to move my middle daughter, Destiny, out and into college. Now I have already went through this with my oldest, Saveina, but she only lives half an hour away. Also, my oldest lives in the city I work in. This is so convenient because I can have lunch with her and take her grocery shopping when she needs it. However, my middle moved about 4 hours away. I'm thankful it's not that far but realistically speaking, I can't just wake up and decide to have lunch with her. It's far enough where if I wanted to see her I'd either need to make a choice to sleep there or endure the long drive back.
Before our trip down to Socal (where Destiny's college is), she mentioned to me that she wished she had a bracelet that had #WWMD engraved on it. I asked her why and she said that if she got homesick or felt lost, she could look at her bracelet and think about how I would handle challenging situations. Destiny and I have a special bond. Of course, I love all my girls with all my heart but I do have to say Destiny and I have the closest relationship. This is because she allows me in her life and considers me her best friend. She even sleeps with me sometimes when I get scared (after a nightmare) or she's scared. She also seeks my advice and opinion about things happening in her life. Her sisters include me in their lives as well but they kind of keep to themselves most times
Anyway this Friday, I rented a pick-up truck and packed it with her boxes and bike. Then I drove her and her little sister, Tavie, down to Socal. We've had plenty of road trips before but this one would be different. We'd return with one less person. I knew this day was going to be hard. I've been crying for months in anticipation of this day when she would leave for college. I thought maybe when the day came, I would be a lot stronger since I prepared myself with plenty of tears before hand. Wrong. Let me tell you what mommy would do or what mommy actually did...
I cried. I secretly would cry before bed just thinking about the day she would leave me for college. I knew and I think most parents understand that once their child goes to college, there's a likely chance they're not gonna live back at home anymore. These past years she was home would probably be the last years of us all living together. What would mommy do? Mommy worried about whether or not her daughter was ready for the "real world". Mommy tried shoving all of life's lessons and positive affirmations down her daughter's throat. In hopes that these tools given would make it easier for her to live in the "real world". Mommy created a mental checklist of all the things Destiny would need to survive without her. Mommy got a rental truck, created a timeline of when to hit the road and when to make a pit stop. Mommy thought about what snacks to pack for the ride ahead. Mommy thought about air pressure in the tires. Mommy thought about if we should eat breakfast here locally or out on the road.
When we got to her college here's what mommy did...we unpacked her stuff, took a walk on campus, went to dinner and had sushi, came back and helped her unpack a little more. Then we did what I was not looking forward to...we said our good byes and parted ways. I couldn't decide if I should leave now or later. But I realized, there really was no right time to leave. Because it would still be just as difficult whether an hour or two later verses right now. I cried. I cried on the road with my Tavie in the passenger seat. I cried on the road for a good thirty minutes. I debated if I should turn back around and stay for another hour or two. I asked Tavie to text Destiny and ask her what she was doing. Then surprisingly something special happened. My Tavie who is usually in her room (she's 15) and rarely talks to me about her life started opening up. She started talking to me about her new school and how she's learning how to step out of her comfort zone. How she's learning that she has control over her life and how she wants to design it. It was a beautiful 2 hour conversation. We even stopped to get coffee in the middle of the night on our way back home. Something that I don't let her drink but I thought fuck it...we've both had a rough day. We both said goodbye to someone. She said bye to her sister and I to my Destiny.
We're home now and here's what mommy would do or actually did with one less daughter home...I cried. I stayed in the living room with Tavie watching her play video games. When she was done, I asked her to come sleep with me. The next day, Saturday, I woke up and felt like something was missing...of course it was my daughter. I walked past her room and I cried. I had a dinner party to attend later that evening and was debating if I should go. I wasn't much company to be around. I was just tired and really sad. I didn't want to bring my negative mood around other people but I didn't want to stay home and sulk either. So I forced myself to get ready. I even put on eyeshadow in hopes it would brighten up my mood. It didn't. Yea, I know. I was being pathetic. I got to the dinner party and was one of the first guest there. I figured I could help my friend prepare for the party. He could tell I was in a shitty mood but was so busy preparing, we barely talked about it. Which was fine with me because I didn't want to inundate myself with the whole ordeal.
The party was awkward. I wasn't my usual social self. Most of the time, I either sat or stood by myself. Well actually that's a lie. I had a glass of Malbec to accompany me...So what would mommy do? Drink a whole bottle of Malbec to myself. Apologize to the host for being so antisocial. Hide out in the back office of the building with the lights off. Continue to try and call Destiny several times only to get her voicemail and then a text saying she was busy. Then come back out to the party and make effort to speak to the other guests and pretend to enjoy my conversations with them. I'm really not a bitch but last night, I was just emotionally drained. I tried calling Destiny again, and this time she answered. But she was in a hurry. She was on her way with a friend to another friend's dorm. It was 11pm. I traced her voice for any signs of missing me or needing me. That was a negative. Instead, she was in a hurry to get off the phone. So I hung up and went out to the party and this time made friends. I guess the biggest part of me was worried that she would need me, and I wouldn't be right there for her. But after our call, I realized she was fine. She was having fun, and I was being that over bearing mom.
Some of my friends have said to me, at least you have another kid around, it shouldn't be so hard. Or you've gone through this already with your first, this should be a breeze this time around. It never is actually. And it is a process. I love all my girls. And I'm sure when I go through this with my third, it'll be just as hard again. I get scared of thinking about my life without my girls. All I've ever known is my life with them. Now I must focus on my own and it's kind of scary. At first, I was excited at the smell of freedom around the corner but in all actuality it frightens me. So what would mommy do now? Cry. But I'm moving on...my family dynamics have changed, yes. But I need to evolve and adapt. After the ride back with Tavie, it made me realize I can now take this time to build my relationship with her. And for that I am thankful. When that time comes for me having to let her go too, I will deal with it then. But for now, I will appreciate the time that I do have with her. That's what mommy would do.
To see her move in a nutshell...
Hi guys. It's 10pm right now, and I thought I would write about some house rules we follow. I was thinking about them today as I was preparing dinner and thought I would share...
Ever since the girls were little (small enough to walk and understand me), I implemented these rules:
1. Take off shoes. No shoes are allowed to be worn in the home.
2. Wash hands as soon as you get inside the house and after using the restroom.
4. No gossip
Here's why...walking outside you never really know what you're stepping on. I mean so many things happen outside our home that I don't want it brought inside our home. I like to feel comfortable inside my house. I can't feel comfortable if I want to lay on my carpet knowing that someone stepped outside and brought dirt/germs back with them. For instance, I work in a healthcare facility and using the bathroom in there is not pleasant. Sometimes patients (some with dementia) also use guest bathrooms and always there is urine on the floor. As careful as I am when I walk, I just never really know what I might actually step in and just don't want to risk it. Call me crazy but I'd rather be safe then sorry.
Two, washing hands as soon as we're home. I've taught the girls to do this as soon as they learned how to walk. I can tell you this, they rarely get sick and never had an ear infection. Maybe an ear infection has nothing to do with hand washing (and more so with breast feeding) but I can tell you that I feel a lot more comfortable knowing that the inside of my house is touched by clean hands. Again, working in the healthcare industry only validates why the girls and I always wash our hands coming home. I see some patients stick their hands in their briefs and then touch a doorknob. I do not want the residue on that doorknob in my house.
Recycling, I have also taught this to the girls since they were babies. However, as they have gotten older and recycling is becoming more popular, we are now composting too. When the girls were younger, we used to just recycle cardboard and aluminum. Now we recycle everything, like plastic and paper. It minimizes our waste and it makes us feel good about caring for the planet. Even if small, it makes a great impact. At least, I'd like to think so.
And last but not least, no gossip. I learned my lesson about gossiping the hard way. In junior high, I used to gossip a lot. And all it brought me was trouble. I hated the drama that was associated with gossip. When I was younger, I got into a lot of fights because of it. I didn't want my girls to go through the same thing I went through when it could be easily eliminated. Plus, gossip is nothing but poison, and I wanted to teach my girls a healthier way of living. So as they got older, I tried my best to teach them not to gossip about their friends at school nor at home. And so far so good. Like taking off our shoes and washing our hands, we try to keep dirt out and this includes gossip.
Last night, my daughter was talking about her dad's side of the family. And can I tell you not a single negative thing came out of her mouth. It was so refreshing to hear her talk about all the things she enjoyed about them and this also applies to when she talks about her friends. Sometimes when I start talking negative about something my daughters seem to automatically redirect me into seeing the brighter side of things. I don't even notice what they're doing until the end of the conversation. But it's really nice to have positive conversations. Like I said gossip is such poison whether it's about a friend, relative, someone you don't know, or even a celebrity. Why waste energy on something poisonous? Pretty soon too much of that poison will start affecting your well-being and just chip away at your healthy thought process. Point is don't talk shit about people, it's not nice and it really only affects your way of living. You want poison? Poison you shall attract. Just don't complain when you start feeling the negative side effects. Because in all actuality, you asked for it. Your words are your world and your world is what you create.
Okay guys, I think I'm gonna call it a night. Thanks for stopping by =)
A little about me...
I'm learning how to look at everything with love, even if it seems impossible, like rush hour traffic. I want to share my journey of self-love so that others may want to emulate and pass it on into the universe. Ohh...and sometimes people call me Suzie.