In my blog Enough is enough, I briefly write about throwing my aunt and mom a surprise birthday party. What I didn't mention is how my aunt treated me during the party. Like I said in that blog, as we got older, we became more distant. I had to separate myself from her because she was draining me of my energy. Her toxic attitude towards me doesn't take away the love I have for her, just my energy.
We were super close. We lived together when I was younger and acted more like sisters rather than aunt and niece. We always hung out together. I looked up to her. She protected me from the beat down I received that one day my grandma swatted me off the toilet. Well, more like she intervened and yelled at my grandma to stop hitting me with the broomstick. I love my aunt very much, and she was the sister I never had.
Once she started going to high school and becoming a young adult, that's when our relationship changed. She went boy crazy and was barely home. I always tried maintaining my relationship with my aunt. Inviting her to the girls' birthday parties and school events. She only attended two birthday parties since the life of all three of my girls. At one point, I got so upset at her for never showing up, I told her I would never invite her to anything anymore because she never made effort to come. The only time I got to see my aunt was in passing. When I hit my late twenties, my aunt started to come around my kids and I more often. It was a treat to see her once every two to three months if that. I didn't care, I just wanted to enjoy the times I did have with her. She even came on a family vacation with us three years ago and has been joining ever since.
Okay, so at the party the first thing she did when she was surprised was complain about the the lack of her friends that were in attendance. She only has 3 and when she mentioned their names, I told her I did invite them but they didn't come (only one of her friends showed up). My aunt got a little tipsy and started talking shit about me. Not to me but about me. She started telling people in the kitchen how fake of a person I am. That I'm just so phony, blah blah blah. Her best friend who she hasn't seen in 8 years (I requested the universe to find a way to locate and invite her. In which the universe obliged and as fate would have it, I happened to bump into her the week of the party) tried to disagree with my aunt but was overshadowed by my aunt's continuous berating of my character. I was walking into the kitchen when this happened. My first thought was to defend my name, and my second thought was that these bitches were a little faded (my cousin was in the kitchen also encouraging my aunt's dumbass behavior). There's no use in speaking because they wouldn't be able to comprehend a damn thing. So all I said was, "I may be fake but at least I get shit done" and walked out.
The next couple of days, I kept thinking about what my aunt said. It kind of bothered me and it kind of didn't. I was leaning more on the not bothered verses bothered. Here's why...what my aunt said is not a reflection of who I am. It's a reflection of who she is. All I see from her is hurt and a need for attention or validation of some sort. I've been where's she's been. Trying to hurt others (not even consciously realizing it) because of the pain I held inside.
All I can do is offer her my compassion, understanding, and kindness. How she treats me doesn't change who I am. It doesn't change the love I have for her or the understanding and empathy I feel towards her. I can be a bitch towards her also but what will that really solve? That is not my true self, and I don't give a shit if my ego thinks I'm allowing her to step all over me because I'm being kind. No, by me being patient and understanding is a reflection of my unconditional love I have for her. However, I do limit my time with her because I am careful about my energy. But even when I'm not around her I still wish her well and have pleasant thoughts with faith that she will evolve into a more positive person when the timing is right for her. I am more at peace with myself when I'm this way verses the old me when I'd fuck a bitch up for staring at me the wrong way. Lol oh the old me...how draining.
People get so fixated on karma taking its course on others who "deserve it" or the need to teach people a lesson because of how they've been treated. But why? So they won't do it again and be rude or awful to others? Okay, I get that but why don't we focus on ourselves first. This way when hurt happens again whether by them or someone new, we'll have enough love and patience within us to strengthen and heal ourselves. I'm not saying to ignore the hurt someone is causing. Yes, stand up for yourself and tell them to stop. What I'm talking about is cleaning up the residue they left behind.
Example, if you were cheated on, try your best to move on. Who cares if he'll get what he "deserves". Don't even think about that. Focus on creating a beautiful life inside and out for yourself, that you have no energy left to think about his story. Start creating a new chapter of your own. Richard hurt me, like I mentioned in a previous blog. His mixed signals and lack of commitment really hurt. But instead of blaming him for the hurt I feel, I'd rather focus my energy on healing myself. Because of his actions, he lost my trust but he hasn't lost my compassion or kindness. I still respect him as a human being and will continue to be his friend. But my trust in him romantically is gone and that's okay. People hurt us and guess what?! It's not the end of the world. And you're not being a pussy by not reacting or demanding retribution. You are conserving your energy for more important matters, more beautiful matters. At the same time, you're learning how to live with more compassion and kindness both for yourself and towards others. This world needs more of that. Love is how we all started. So lead with that, with love, not with fear and ego. Fear and ego are false. It does not need to be satiated. It needs to be recognized, acknowledged, and let go.
What is it about relationships that scare people away? It seems the norm now is for people to bail vs try. I know in my last blog, I vented about being sick and tired of dealing with a certain man. My feelings haven't changed due to his lack of effort for me. But what I'm talking about is the fight or flight syndrome that seems to be going around during this time of dating.
I've always been old school and felt that of course my loyalty towards myself was first and foremost. But with the people I love my loyalty also runs deep and rarely wavers. Even towards people who have done me dirty, I'd drop everything just to make sure they are safe. However, I am mindful about not spreading myself too thin. Okay, I digress. So...this fight or flight syndrome that is going around seems to be such a common thing now a days. People meet people and start relationships professing their love only to find out in a few months they can't take it anymore because "...our lives don't mix well. I have to accept all these things to be w/ him but at the end, I'm not happy." I say this because today I get that text from my girl who has been in a committed relationship for several months now.
I didn't know what to say to her when she told me she wanted to bail on the relationship. A little part of me wanted to be selfish and say, "yes, do it!" This way I would have my partner in crime back. But as the selfless fucking person that I am, I say something between these lines..."Idk girl. If that's how you feel, that's how you feel. Relationships are all about compromise and effort and if it doesn't feel right then do what you gotta do. Nothing is ever smooth sailing. It's just what you choose to put up with and only you know that answer. Whatever you decide, I support you." But honestly, even though a slight part of me wanted to be selfish, another part of me wanted her to fight for her relationship. I don't know what she's decided yet. But it really made me question how easily people throw in the towel these days.
I'm by far the last person to give relationship advice but I understand how hard it is to make a connection with someone on a romantic level. And when that connection is there then I feel it's worth a fight. Some may not feel the same, and I've had that rejection recently. But it will be ok. It just means that that person wasn't meant for you, and with all your strength you just need to move on. You need someone to match your stride. If you're a fighter, you need a fighter (and I don't mean in terms of drama and causing arguments). If you meet someone that will go through the ends of the world for you as you will for him, and those romantic feelings are mutual, fight for it. But if you have romantic feelings for someone who doesn't appreciate your worth and doesn't want to make effort for your love. Then my dear, you need to fly.
But think long and hard about your true feelings and if you're honoring your true self. My girl above kind of likes to fly every time the going gets tough. Maybe she needs some sort of validation that she gets from flying away and having her man catch her or she's just not ready for a relationship yet. Who knows? Only she does. If it's the latter, maybe she'll build enough strength to understand that some people are worth fighting for, and maybe he'll be the one she'll learn how to fight for.
My girl and I had a really hard friendship at one point. I kept fighting to keep our friendship alive even after she went to dinner with my then boyfriend. Yea, I valued her friendship more than I valued my relationship with that guy. But there came a point when enough was enough and after several years of trying with her, I had to cut it off.
However, a couple years later, I see her at a wedding and I tried my best to be cordial and ignore her, she started fighting her way back into my life. She changed, and after I saw her efforts and her fight for my attention, we have been inseparable ever since. Our relationship is the strongest it's ever been, and I am so thankful she didn't give up on us when I had no more fight left in me towards our relationship. That's what it takes to be in a relationship: strength and perseverance, through thick and thin, and in sickness and in health. Sometimes you'll just meet people you have to fight for and sometimes you'll meet people that will make it easy to be with. I have the best of both worlds when it comes to my friends.
But I'll tell you what, my relationship with my girl who fought her way back into my life is the most open and honest relationship I have ever had. I know I can tell her ANYTHING and she wouldn't bat an eye. It's a mutual relationship because God knows she tells me shit I really didn't need to know but that's ok because I would move mountains for my girl, and I know she would do the same.
Some people come into your life to teach you how to fight and some people come into your life to teach you how to fly. And that's the thing, determine how much you are willing to fight for them (without losing yourself in the process) and if the efforts are returned then keep fighting for it. But if not returned (and your self worth is being questioned), then baby girl, you need to set yourself free and fly!
I'm laying in bed with the covers off reading a new book I just purchased (Gilead by Marilynn Robinson). My daughter's in the next room listening to her favorite band, It's Time by Imagine Dragons. It's a warm spring night with the smell of freshly bloomed lilies I spoiled myself with. I am in love with the moment, and my heart flutters with so much peace and joy. It's a brief moment of nirvana which soon dissipates. I want to hold on to this moment forever but my mind doesn't allow this. Instead, I catch myself thinking about the moment when this will all end. My moment has now been replaced with fear.
In a couple of Springs, my daughter will (if everything works out as she plans) be off to college. Discovering more about herself and identity. Leaving me to also discover more about myself and my identity. My mind is now filled with the thought of "next time". The next time I'm laying in bed reading, I'll probably be alone spending it in silence and it worries me.
A lot of things scare me. I try not to let it overwhelm me though. And I think I do a pretty good job at it. Last summer, I said to my family I don't like horror movies or bugs because they scare me. My aunt responded with "I thought nothing scares you." My friends have also said the same. Their comments made me question how I present myself. For the most part, I am strong. I've been through enough to develop this strength but being strong doesn't mean not having fears. And yes, although I am scared of the tangible things I mentioned above, I do most certainly have fears in abstract areas too. Like all of my daughters leaving me behind to begin their journey of independence. That scares the shit out of me, not being needed or wanted anymore. I have brief thoughts of the loneliness I will experience once my youngest is gone and my heart gasps.
My girlfriend (who never had kids) once told me when she gets off of work, she goes home to nothing. That's why she's never home. I never got to experience that (well, the only time is when the girls go to Hawaii for vacation). My life since the age of 16 has always been filled with my daughters. I have never been alone and if I dwell too much on that thought, it will overwhelm and frighten the shit out of me. For my girlfriend, it's emptiness. For me, it's empty nest. Everyone has their own version of difficult.
However, I must choose to look at the bright side to keep my sanity. I choose to look at the fact that I no longer will have to worry about dinner every. single. night. If I'm not hungry, guess what? I don't have to worry about dinner. If I want to take a bath instead, I will. I'm also looking forward to going to Bikram again. My daughter doesn't like staying home alone at night. Before when her sisters were home, she didn't mind if I was gone for 2 hrs. Plus, my commute now only offers me 3 hrs of quality time with her before I have to go to bed. I also look forward to TRAVELING! Currently, if I wanted to travel, it would take a lot of coordination and planning filled with guilt for leaving her behind.
Every time I think about that day of sending my last kid off, I get scared and sad. But in order for me to appreciate my moment and enjoy it for what it is (and the little time I have left with her), I really have to let go of my fear-based thoughts of the unknown. I have to...need to place my trust in the Universe and know that my new journey in life will be, once again, fulfilling and perfect for me in every way at that very moment. Namaste.
A little about me...
I'm learning how to look at everything with love, even if it seems impossible, like rush hour traffic. I want to share my journey of self-love so that others may want to emulate and pass it on into the universe. Ohh...and sometimes people call me Suzie.