Yesterday, I had a pretty productive day. Nothing out of the ordinary. I got off work, went to the grocery store, then went to Bikram Yoga. When I got home, I cooked dinner and cleaned up a little. After all my little chores around the house were done, I decided to take a break and lay on my bed to decompress before bed time.
I am currently dating someone new, and I can actually say I like this guy. I have been single for five years, just taking my time in getting to know more about myself. I have dated plenty of other men within those five years but really no one that has caught my attention enough for me to want to let go of my single life yet. I actually really enjoy being single.
I just wanted to share with you my story last night, as I think most of you ladies can relate. While I was laying there, I get a text from him which made me happy. I responded back and was disappointed in his return text to me. He was not paying attention to my text and answered me on a completely different subject. This annoyed me. I told him about my schedule for Bikram class since he asked, and he responded with something about cars which I mentioned about earlier in the afternoon. It was already late at night, and I didn't mention cars since over 5 hours ago. I was annoyed because I was actually answering to his text he sent me literally 5 minutes before.
This annoyance became a snowball effect. My train of thought continued to start thinking that if he wasn't paying attention now, how will he pay attention to me later. I was tripping. My thoughts also trailed off into my fear of commitment and how he might possibly hurt me in the future if I allow him more into my life. Oh yes, I was completely over thinking and hurting myself in the process. I could feel my chest just cringe in hurt caused by my very own thoughts of "what if" negatives. Like...what if he doesn't like me? What if he's a player? What if I said too much? In response to those questions, I answered with negativity. Like...I won't respond to him anymore or delay my responses. I won't open up too much about myself to him anymore. I won't invest too many feelings into this guy. My answers were based off of fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the ego.
I literally had to stop myself and become aware of what I was doing to myself. He did nothing to me. It was 100% my thoughts that were making me feel less than. I had to get a grip and literally tell myself to stop over thinking. After many times of trying to remind myself not to over think, my mind kept wandering, so I told myself I needed to sleep. I knew tomorrow would be a new day and a fresh start to readjusting my thoughts to a more positive outlook. I know I just need to go with the flow. I'm a smart woman. I had to remind myself that I had built my foundation so strong that if it doesn't work out, I will still be fine. I honor myself by not allowing negativity from others and having faith that I attract the right people in my life.
When I let my mind wander to the "what ifs" nothing but negativity results from them because I want to find the answers to them. When I don't know what the answer will be (which I never do), my first reaction is to think something negative. It is up to me to lead with love instead of my ego. I have to remind myself that it is okay not to know the answers, and I don't have to try to control this unknown. I don't know what will happen between us. But either way it goes, my life will still be beautiful!
Growing up, I was raised to believe in negativity first. "Expect the worse and hope for the best," the saying goes. But why? Why should I expect the worse and hope for the best? Why can't I not expect anything and deal with whatever it is when the time comes? Hoping, Deepak Chopra said, is fear based. When I read that in one of his books, I didn't understand what he meant. I thought his comment about hope being fear based was discouraging but now I get it. When we hope for something, we don't have faith it will happen. We don't believe. We are wanting it and urging it to come into manifestation, signs of desperation. What we really need to do is have faith/confidence that it will come into being and let go.
Also, a friendly reminder to ourselves is to lead with love and not our ego. This is a great direction in quieting our over thinking mind. I also realized my shortage in patience last night was a result of lack of sleep. If I want to completely honor myself, I need to take care of myself so I can be a more positive contribution to the universe. One of those honorable methods is to get more sleep. So far, I have honored my well being by eating healthier and practicing yoga. Now, I need to align my sleeping pattern to match up with my current healthy habits. All these things I do for myself is a continuing work in progress. But I am worth every effort of self-care and love. There are plenty of days when I fall off track. I just start all over again and continue. I am not perfect but I am forgiving to myself. I look forward to sharing my journey on self-love with you. Thank you!
A little about me...
I'm learning how to look at everything with love, even if it seems impossible, like rush hour traffic. I want to share my journey of self-love so that others may want to emulate and pass it on into the universe. Ohh...and sometimes people call me Suzie.