Sometimes, I don't think my friends get it. Especially the ones without kids. I mean I make being a mom look effortless, I suppose. I barely bitch or complain. I just do what needs to be done, and I do it in silence, I suppose. My friends ask me out here and there, and don't get me wrong, I'm very thankful for their invites. But sometimes, I am so completely tired, I just need to isolate myself from anything that will exert more of my energy.
There is always something on my mind, whether it's what to cook or when I can fit my daughter's eye appointment in. Is my eldest getting enough to eat or my middle adjusting to her new college life? Not only is my body multitasking (while I vacuum and grill chicken breast for dinner simultaneously. It can be done. Trust me) but my mind is following suit. When I have time to sit, I feel guilty as if I should be doing something. And if I'm not in the act of doing something, I feel like I should be in the act of thinking about what to do next. I'm always on the go even when I have no where to go.
But do people really understand how busy us moms are? I'm not exactly sure. I had a girlfriend ask me one time, "So what have you been up to?" My response, "Busy with my girls." My eldest was moving into her first apartment (she needed help on her deposit), while my middle was applying for colleges (one of the most stressful times for all of us), and my youngest was going through the motions (poor baby). Before I could elaborate to her, here is what she said to me, "You're always busy with your girls. I always hear you say that. Isn't there anything else you do?" Umm, yes bitch. Aren't I in front of you having dinner? I didn't say that but I wanted to with a slap as well. Tsk tsk for my impatience. Oh well. Sometimes I lack it and it shows. Other times, I lack it and it grows. What are you gonna do?
But honestly, do you really understand how busy I get? Let me break today down for you so you'll have a reference in case you forget (you = to my friends who don't get it).
6:30am I get up trying to give thanks but feeling tired as fuck
7:30am I'm out the door with my roller bag of files, lunch under my arm, two cell phones in my purse, keys and green shake in hand, and my kid by my side.
7:45am I drop my kid off and say I love you. Have a great day etc. Then I'm off to battle traffic (I use to have to commute two hrs one way. Then I did this really beautiful thing and prayed my ass off for a shorter commute and it was answered in a month. Still praying for that raise though. UPDATE 10/1/15: I got a raise and didn't even know it. It's for cost of living increase! Ah the power of law of attraction)
8:30am Get to work and my day is not my own for about 8 hours give or take. However, this is where I fit in scheduling doctor appointments, searching online for a special bike lock my middle needs, repurchasing prescription acne medication, etc all while being productive at work. Not to mention answering questions my kids have throughout the day...can I go to homecoming? Is it okay if I go camping over the weekend sans adult? Yes, to homecoming. No, to camping.
6pm I'm thinking about what to cook, do I have all the ingredients. If not, which is the most convenient market that will have everything I need. Do I need gas? How many days can I go before pumping again? When was the last time I filled up? If I stop to buy groceries, how much time will it take from getting home and starting dinner? I have to call my friend and tell her I can't make it to her daughter's b-day dinner because I got out of work too late. I still need to feed my own kid.
7pm Home and I need to sit. Yea yea, I know I just sat in traffic for about an hour but I'm mentally fried. Fuck, I gotta start dinner because my daughter has a school program to go to in an hour.
7:30pm She's eating while I'm cleaning the fridge out. I'm so tired, I lost my appetite.
8pm I drive her to her program, and I'm kind of relieved because I tell myself I can actually sleep as soon as I get home. Dammit, I forgot I have to pick her up in an hour. So what do I do? I come home contemplating on taking a nap but realizing it'll be too hard for me to get up to pick her up. So instead, I pack my lunch for tomorrow and do the dishes.
9:30pm I pick her up and decide to finally get gas. We get home, I ask her if she's still hungry because I start feeling hungry. I pack my work bag for tomorrow and look for my fucking ticket I got for being in the HOV lane without my fastrak device. I have to go to court tomorrow. As if I didn't have enough to do.
10pm I eat two dark chocolate pieces and drop myself on the couch. My mind is foggy and my body is tense. But I still feel like I need to do something. So I log onto my email and think about all the pending things I need to complete online.
11pm Still feeling restless, I decide to write and here I am. I'm afraid if I don't write right now, I won't get inspired to later. Because who knows, I might be too burnt out or too busy doing other shit that I will never get a chance to write. So here is my opportunity and here I am. Tired as fuck but ready for tomorrow. I don't complain because I really can't afford to. My energy is always used for something. So, I'd rather save it for better use than complaining. Am I right? However, it may sound like the above are complaints but really it's not. It's just my day.
And now it's 12am and I'm beating myself up for not going to bed (ok, ok, that was complaining) when I had that window of opportunity between 10 and 11pm. Even if I did, I bet I'd stay up for about 3 to 4 hours anyway.
Somedays, I think about the day when I'll finally grow up and learn how to manage my time wisely. Then other days, I realize I am grown up and doing the best I can and give myself a pat on the back.
My weekends are special to me because I can do whatever the hell I want and that is completely nothing!! Well, sometimes that is...
A little about me...
I'm learning how to look at everything with love, even if it seems impossible, like rush hour traffic. I want to share my journey of self-love so that others may want to emulate and pass it on into the universe. Ohh...and sometimes people call me Suzie.