100 Days of life and death

Today was my ex's 100 day ceremony. It was supposed to be at the Buddhist temple but unfortunately, the temple was burned down a few weeks ago. His ashes were there but were saved. Prayers are lead by monks chanting and there's a shrine to respect those who pass and offerings are made basically. I felt like I should've went but I just really didn't want to. I'll show him respect in my prayer tonight and continuously in my thoughts. 

I've noticed in these past few months, there has been a lot of deaths, in my own life, those around me, and even in entertainment. It just seemed like every where I turned, there was mourning. It kind of frightened me how fragile (although I already knew this) life is. I started thinking about the people I love and how much longer I still had with them. I began to worry and feel myself go down this thought process of grief. But someway somehow, I noticed something else. Actually, I know what the someway and somehow was. It was my attention to this negative energy. 

Once I caught sight of what I was thinking, I immediately focused on gratitude. I focused on giving thanks for the very exact moment I was in. I gave thanks at random moments for a few days. That's when my vision and my focus started to change. I started to notice a lot of life. I mean a whole fucking lot of life. Everyone around me was either pregnant or having babies. I mean everyone! Two of my closest girlfriends were pregnant, and one actually had her daughter on my exes birthday. Even NYC guy (yes, I'm still dating him) his ex wife and sister just gave birth to their first. 

When I was feeling dark with all the deaths I've noticed, I knew I didn't want it to lead me into fear. When I made the switch to give thanks (because sometimes we tend to forget with our busy lives) for my moment and my abundance, my life started to be filled with so much more life, literally. I'm thankful I learned (and still learning) how to continuously be patient with myself and that I understand being kind with my thoughts is an on-going process. Heaven and hell, life and death. There is always beauty to be found. It just depends on what we choose to focus on.